Games
by Spyromaster64
Summary: Adam, Joe and Theo get sucked into computer games worlds and have to travel around with the Chronicler. Read and review, please!
1. Triforce and BombOmbs

**Hi!**

**This is my first story that's categorized as Zelda and Pokémon. Although, I have to warn you…**

**Only a small part of it is Zelda and Pokémon. It's actually Zelda, Mario, Pokémon, Metroid, Earthbound, Digimon, Yoshi, Kirby, Spyro, Sonic, Crash, Worms, Rayman, a tiny little bit of Final Fantasy, and a whole host of other games. That's why I've named this fic 'Games'. Hope you enjoy the first Chapter. Positive reviews would be nice. I hate flames. Please don't criticize my spelling or grammar in any bad ways, because I get really annoyed when I see reviews like that showing up for my stories. **

Chapter 1 - The Triforce and Bomb-Ombs

**Right, well, seeing as this is a videogame fic, there has to be videogame music! In case you're unfamiliar with this music system, I'll explain. You may have seen this system in FoxMcCloud7921's fanfics. **

**Basically, I'll list the name of the song and who it's by/where it's from. When you see a *, that's when that music would start if it was a movie, or something. **

**This first song will be 'Song of Healing' from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. Not the Ocarina version, use the one that comes up at the bottom of the Clock Tower, where the Happy Mask Salesman is. Yeah, that one, **

*The two boys stared at the supposedly 'legendary' relic, their eyes gleaming brightly.

"Wow…" one murmured. "Can you believe this, Joe? Nintendo finally decided to make a living replica of the Triforce from their Zelda games!"

"Yeah…" Joe breathed. "It's like Ocarina of Time all over again, isn't it, Adam? Like the bit where the Great Deku Tree tells Link about the legend of the three Goddesses, Din, Nayru and Fareyor… I loved that bit, and now, it's like watching it again, only without the Great Deku Tree talking, and for real!"

"You do remember it's just 24 carat gold with golden lights shining on it, which reflect off it and make it look all shiny and bright?" Adam told him.

**This should be where you would here the sound of a record scratching to a halt. **

"Erm, yeah, I knew that," Joe muttered quickly.

"Riiight," Adam said dryly.

"I wonder if we can touch it…"

"Joe, it's pure gold. A shiny, gleaming metal. It's nothing big."

"But I just wanna…"

"No," Adam sighed before turning away. He heard glass smashing, and when he looked back, Joe had broken the glass and had touched the 'Triforce'.

"Joe!!" Adam yelled. "The guards--" he stopped. Joe had just disappeared. Adam had been watching him while he vanished, and yet he still did not have any idea how the hell it just happened. Adam hopped over the handrail, looked around to make sure no guards were watching, before lightly tapping the metal. Nothing happened. Adam sighed and began to walk away. Just as he least expected it, he felt himself being twisted. Everything immediately blurred into varying colors, shooting around him at high speed, and probably at high annoyance too, considering how Adam was irritated by all the random color going around him for no apparent reason. Combined with the seemingly-impossible twisting of Adam's body, which you would normally only experience when trapped within a Black Hole, Adam felt exceedingly ill, not to mention deeply uncomfortable that his feet had been off the ground for so long.

At last, when Adam felt that he was just on the verge of unleashing puke-power on everything surrounding him, he felt his back hit a rather solid surface. At first, he had no idea about what on earth was going on. As soon as he got up, he saw living bombs running all over the place. Seemingly-powerful war canons, like the kind you would find in a futuristic deathly war zone, or maybe Fallout 3, were being used for the questionable purpose of firing water bombs. Apparently, the pink bombs were running around, scared of being plastered by one. Adam gaped at his surroundings. Living bombs. Water in balloons. Weird, giant, ferocious things with razor-sharp teeth bound to the tiniest wooden poles by chains. Adam was wondering how the heck that tiny little wooden pole was supposed to stop that thing from escaping. But somehow, it did.

Adam quite felt curious. He slid himself behind the pole, taking care not to alert the… thing, and, rather stupidly, pulled the wooden pole out of the ground, that wasn't even that far in. He would regret it very much indeed for generations to come (if it was ever possible to live your life without any time travel involved within it and still see your great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter).

Much screaming and classic running-for-your-life chase scenes later, Adam came to rest at the top of a mountain. He would have probably managed to have got to sleep like he intended to, if there wasn't that huge, fat bomb stood staring at the sea, seemingly for all eternity to come, and maybe even after that if he was still alive after the apocalypse.

Adam had tried talking to him, but as usual, miserably failed. Jeez, maybe communicating with dangerous, explosive weapons wasn't as easy as he had originally thought, after all. Adam also tried kicking the bomb like some football. The bomb was surprisingly light. Although Adam never saw it again (it shot of the cliff after the small kick with a kind of 'ur-ee-ugh' sound), he was happy it finally did not exist anymore. After all, it's destination did seem abnormally close to the sun. Adam quickly made a mental note to watch for any explosions or fireworks in the sky during his time here, as he hopped down the down the pathway to walk back down to the bottom. Unfortunately, Adam over-estimated the jump as promptly fell to the bottom of the mountain.

As he lay in a crumpled heap, somehow he did not feel as bad as normal. When he looked up, he saw a big, wooden circle. In it were six segments. At the top, it said, 'Health'. Adam bobbed his head slightly, totally confused at what this meant. Three of the green segments disappeared as if a starving chocoholic was ravenously eating the segments like they were a Terry's Chocolate Orange, or something. Adam guessed the catchphrase 'round, but not round for long' was true after all. Quickly dismissing any other weird thoughts, Adam went over to a pink bomb. It was a humongous achievement for him to not kick the pink bomb at the sun for the pure pleasure of seeing explosions in the sky.

"Hello," he greeted kindly. "Are you a football-- er, I mean, a bomb?" The bomb wheeled around and stared at Adam. It was pink, with feet, shoes, cute white eyes and a somewhat-disturbing wick on it's head. It slowly started to turn red. Adam couldn't tell it's expression visually, but he imagined it was probably mad for some reason. As Adam was getting more scared by the minute, he tried to imagine the red bomb as a cute yellow bomb, with a fat smiley face, like the kind you would find on a Pre-School's 'Well Done' sticker. Adam found it even more daunting and bloodcurdling than the real thing, not to mention when it slowly turned in a circle, when it turned around it had evil red eyes and bloody fangs.

Feeling seriously disturbed, Adam staggered back and hastily apologized. The pink bomb promptly exploded.

Adam wasn't sure why it had blown up, exactly; all he knew was that he was running like an Olympic athlete. A little confused, Adam leaped over a platform. Seemed he hadn't quite grasped the 'look before you leap' method, yet. As he endured the admittedly small fall, he noticed Joe was sitting right where Gravity's plan for Adam's destination was.

Adam crashed on top of Joe. They both yelled for a few minutes, before both getting to their feet and gazing at each other oddly.

"Erm… you've got a…" Adam mumbled. He pointed to Joe's head, where a nice sky blue cap was placed with the letter 'J' on it.

"Uh…" Joe mumbled. He pointed to Adam's head, which hosted a thunder yellow cap with the letter 'A' on it. Adam felt his head and took off the cap, as did Joe. They both let out a sharp yelp. Well, with Joe, it was more of a bad cough.

"What the…?" Adam started. Suddenly, there was an explosion in the sky. Something was shooting down from the sun.

"Eh? A meteorite?" Joe muttered. "That's odd. Did you now the average meteorite is… erm… Adam? Are you listening? Hello?" Adam was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was about to hit a randomly-placed pink bomb. It had a HEAD. A meteorite, yeah, fine, but a meteorite with a HEAD? Not only that, it's nose looked wrong. As if some mad science guy had picked it up and stretched it's nose using one of those dark ages torture machines that stretches you until the point where you give in and admit that it was you who shot King Henry the Eight in the head with a machine gun.

Adam looked on as the 'meteorite' hit the pink bomb, causing it to explode. As the smoke cleared, he saw, it was in fact, to his amazement, a Cyndaquil. Joe peeked over a mound of dirt he had been hiding behind.

"Oh, wow!" he squealed excitedly. "Let's make contact! I'll say 'greetings, Cydnaquil-ing' in Cyndaquil language!" He rushed over to the Cyndaquil, which, truthfully, wasn't meant to even exist.

"Cynda cyndaquil, quil quil quil, cyndaquil?" Joe said rather quickly. The Cyndaquil looked at him oddly for a moment before kicking him in the nuts and walking off as if nothing had happened.

"Kids these days," the Cyndaquil sighed as he went over to talk to a randomly-appearing pink bomb.

"Joe, are you okay?" asked Adam, walking over to Joe, who was now on the floor, clutching the area where the Cyndaquil's foot had come into contact with.

"Apart from feeling that I now want to shrink and deliberately masturbate while swimming in your breakfast, I'm fine," Joe wheezed.

"For a second there, I'd thought you'd fall unconscious!"

"Nah, that would never--" Joe suddenly fell unconscious. Adam stared at his friend's body and sighed.

"Next thing you know, you'll try to kill yourself with a Magikarp… if they were real, that is," Adam commented. Suddenly, he was deep in thought. "If that Cyndaquil was real, then Magikarps probably are, too…" While Adam was mumbling random crap to himself, Joe was in WonderLand! He was feeling strangely horny! He suddenly flew up into the sky and met a billion Cyndaquils, and they all raped each other and it was good! Then he went back down and suddenly turned huge, so he started eating all the wonderful volcanoes and loved pie! That was, until, Adam had kicked him hard. Joe's eyes shot open, maybe a little too fast, as now he was clutching them.

"Are you done mumbling 'oh, that's… that's good' now or are you going to continue acting horny for all eternity to come?" asked Adam.

"I think I'd rather choose act horny for all eternity to come," Joe replied, "Because there's a giant pink bomb behind you.

"Oh really? That's nice… wait a minute, what's that got to do with it?" Adam protested. "And-- WHAT?!" Adam spun around to face the giant bomb with the moustache again. Only this time it was pink.

"Oh, so you must be the dead bomb-guy's wife," Adam said slowly. The pink bomb threw up two mobile phone thingies suddenly. Adam and Joe each picked one up, examining them.

"Ooh, a Digivice!" exclaimed Joe excitedly. "I want an Agumon!!" Adam stared at his friend oddly for a moment before pressing a button on it.

**And that brings us to the end of Chapter 1! Reviews would be much appreciated. **

**If you like this fic, then I recommend you read my Truth or Dare fanfic, 'Spyro: even more Truth or Dare'. See you next Chapter!**

**Spyromaster64**


	2. The Retarded Game Engine

**Okay, here's Chapter 2. Reviews would be much appreciated, blah blah blah, feedback would be good, blah blah blah, this fic is rubbish - don't read that bit out, blah blah blah, and here we go!**

Chapter 2 - The Retarded Game Engine

After experiencing the twisting-teleport method of transportation again, the two boys found themselves gaping idiotically at what looked like a Digital World.

"Ooh, I bag-sy first pick!!" Joe yelled childishly, sticking out his tongue at Adam. "I'M getting a Koromon!" he continued jeeringly. "I'm gonna be the best Tamer in the land with my GeoGraymon!!" A robot walked over to them.

"Andromon!!" Joe squealed. "I love you, too!!" The hyper boy ran over to the android and hugged him.

"… DATA ANALYSIS COMPLETE. CONCLUSION; HYPER-ACTIVE BLACK-HAIRED CREATURE HAS GONE MAD."

"Joe, stop this crap and get over here!!" Adam growled, grabbing Joe and accidentally throwing him into the void of digital blue below the floating platform they were standing on.

"… oops."

"SENSIBLE BROWN-HAIRED CREATURE HAS MADE CORRECT DECISION. NOW ENTERING SELF-DESTRUCT MODE FOR NO APPARENT REASON."

"Damn you, Joe," Adam muttered under his breath. "May his falling body eternally rot in the fiery deaths of Turtwig hell…" Suddenly, a billion pixels formed in front of Adam and rearranged themselves to form a very pissed Joe.

"10... 9... 8... 7..." Adam grabbed Joe and pulled himself along with his crazy companion behind a broken piece of a huge light shield.

"4... 3... 2... 1... … … … … … … … …" The wait was awkward. Adam began to sweat, wondering what the hell the robot was waiting for. As last, finally, the robot let out an relaxed 'aah' before it's head inflated and the whole thing floated off to somewhere.

"Well that was… weird," Joe concluded.

"Not to mention--" Adam started, but before he could finish, the robot, who was floating dangerously near a giant, important-looking data chip, had exploded. Adam ducked. Joe just gazed at the explosion, his eyes bright with strange pleasure.

"Pretty…" he mumbled, with a huge grin on his face.

"Joe, you're not normally like this!" Adam said from his lying-down position. "What's wrong with you-- ugh!" Joe had sat on Adam, and was continuing to watch the 'fireworks' with a randomly-appearing box of popcorn in his hands.

"Great, I've now got a Pyromaniac for a friend…" Adam said through gritted teeth. Suddenly, everything froze except the two boys. Joe shook his head.

"Boo!! Boo!! Boo!! Ooh!! Ooh!! Ooh!! Yeah!! Yeah!! Yeah!! YES!! YES!! YES!!" Joe screamed, clutching his private area, which seriously disturbed Adam very much.

"Sorry about your friend," sighed a voice behind them. "The Cyndaquil you met earlier has glitched him up with the power of ultimate nut-hammohn-rusaring.." Adam spun around to face The Chronicler (who if you don't know is a wise old Dragon who does absolute nothing but crap his underwear and then say that he wants cookies for tea otherwise he'll throw a tantrum).

"Power of nut-what?"

"The general translation is 'nut-kicking'."

"Oh. So, where the hell am I?"

"Due to some random idea Spyromaster64 had, you've been thrown inside a load of videogames."

"Spyro-who?"

"Spyromaster64."

"Who's he?"

"A god."

"Really?"

"Well, a minor god. There are billions of gods out there, all called 'FanFiction Gods'."

"What do they do?"

"They live lives like us, but they write stuff on computers that happens to us. And then it all happens!"

"Wait… so… SPYROMASTER64 GAVE ME CONSTIPATION LAST WEEK!!!! GRRRR!!!!"

"Actually, no. This is a new story."

"Uh, okay. Hey! How do you know all of this stuff?"

"I just do, damn it!!"

"Fine, but why are we here?"

"Because Spyromaster64 wants to punish and humiliate you!"

"What the hell for?!"

"All of the things he's made you do!"

"Yeah, but HE made me do all of those things!!"

Due to the large amount of arguing and speech marks, but hardly any descriptive sentences, the Author has decided to cut the middle of this conversation out. He shall continue writing near the end of the talk.

"But Chronicler, YOU were the one who wanted to wash your pants in Cynder's mouth!!"

"Am I bothered?"

"Well, you will be after I make a machine gun materialise out of fresh pixels with my ACTION REPLAY!!!!"

"You only have one for your DS. This is the N64."

"Crap…"

"The other Authors reading this will get bored with us!!"

"So? What happens then?"

"Spyromaster64 stops writing this and we won't exist anymore!!"

"Speak for yourself. You exist in plenty of other people's fanfics." The Chronicler paused for a moment while everyone stopped having heart attacks from too much speech and the lack of descriptive words.

"Well anyway," the Chronicler continued, "Spyromaster64 wants to pit you all through horrible retarded versions of videogames."

"Damn it, why?!"

"Because he thought up the idea of it while trying to get to sleep one night!!" He sighed before pointing at the camera.

"Do you want those guys to get bored?"

"No."

"Then do something funny and interesting!!" Adam's head exploded then grew back.

"There," he muttered.

"…"

"Can we just fix Joe now?" Adam asked. "I think he's getting even more horribly glitched."

"I see," the Chronicler murmured. Joe's pixels were now in such a random order that it made him look more like a multi-colored scribble monster from Doctor Who than a human boy. He had grown horns, and when he wasn't spewing fire, he turned into a part-time water fountain.

"Joe, are you okay?" Adam asked. "Chronny has gone to get help!"

"Tell fanny to hurry up!!" the scribble thing yelled. "I need DSFSSJU£$$34245DGDG£%64576f$£%£$R"

"Uh, Chronicler, you might want to go a little bit faster!!" Adam yelled as the scribble thing turned into Koromon (from Digimon).

"HI THERE, TAI!!!!" the Koromon screamed unnecessarily in an extremely high-pitched tone. Adam whimpered and stumbled back as the Koromon turned into Cartman (from South Park). He stared at Adam for a moment before exclaiming

"BUNNY!!" and turning even fatter.

"Eat this, bastard!!" Adam spun around to see the Chronicler running down a path and throwing a grenade at Cartman. Cartman's mouth turned huge and he swallowed it. A few seconds later, Cartman exploded. When the smoke cleared (which was a bloody long time), Joe was standing there. Well, at least most of him. His head was the head of Lara Croft (Tomb Raider, but you knew that, right?).

"Hello boys," he/she said in a posh, British, female voice. "I'm feeling especially horny, today. My bed at my mansion can fit two or three, you know. Want to see how comfy it is?"

"Okay," the Chronicler agreed.

"What?!" Adam yelped.

"Just go with it," the Chronicler whispered. He walked over to the Joe Croft. They looked at each other for a second before the Chronicler whipped out a massive shotgun and shot him/her squarely in the head.

"OH MY GOD, YOU SHOT ME IN THE (bleep)ING EYE!!" Joe Croft screamed, clutching his whole face for some reason. "GOD, THAT WAS SO UNFAIR!!" He suddenly looked up, with an abnormally large smile on his face.

"Finally, he's back to normal," Adam sighed. "I'm relieved."

"Ditto," the Chronicler said.

"So, what the hell do we do now, fanny?" Joe asked enthusiastically.

"Chronny," Adam hissed.

"Sunny!" Joe said quickly.

"CHRONNY," Adam urged, a little louder.

"Blondie!" Joe gabbled. The Chronicler stared at him.

"Is it me or has your friend just tried to insult me by saying I'm blonde?" he inquired.

"No!" Adam said, pretending to be shocked. "No, no, no, I would never allow it! He's just speaking the ancient language of… uh… Cyndavolvian!"

"Cyndavolvian?"

"Um… yeah! And… and… yeah."

"Can you translate it?"

"Erm, the rough translation is, erm, 'what should be do now, Chronicler?'"

"Well, tell him 'you're heading to Hyrule'," the Chronicler informed him.

"Oh my god, Hyrule?!" Adam exclaimed excitedly. "Oh god, I love Zelda!!"

"Have you asked her out yet?" the Chronicler asked. Adam turned to Joe.

"I'll translate it for Joe," he told the Chronicler. He cleared his throat before announcing,

"Farting crap!" Joe's eyes lit up as he squealed a swear word. Adam nodded before continuing, "High mother crap on the five seas of crappy crappiness."

"I am crapping my pants and I like it!" Joe 'replied' in a sing-song voice. Adam turned to the Chronicler.

"Well?" he asked.

"He says he can't wait to pack, and do we get costumes?"

"No time to pack, and yes, you do get costumes," the Chronicler said.

"Great!" Joe said. "How do we get there?"

"Translation?" the Chronicler asked Adam. "'I wanna pack, you bastard' I suppose?"

"No, he's speaking English now," Adam informed the large Dragon in front of him. "I almost forgot to ask; why are you here when Igni--"

"Don't ask," the Chronicler muttered, interrupting Adam.

"Hey, that red Dragon over there has got a knife stuck in him!" Joe laughed. "Isn't that a coincidence? I was just going to go and kill him myself!" He then lowered his voice, "This place is magic! Harry Potter must've been here, 'cause I found a shotgun that came out of nowhere!"

"Actually Joe," Adam said, "That's the gun we shot you in the head with."

"… oh well, who cares?"

"Spyromaster64."

"Who?"

"Don't ask."

"But I wanna keep the sho--" Suddenly a bolt of lightning came thundering down from the digital void above them and struck Joe in a _painful place_. As Joe fell to his knees, clutching his damaged nuts, Adam decided to test the void. He took a coin out of his pocket and tossed it into the void below.

A few minutes later, Adam sighed, realising he'd wasted a good coin on a void. He peered over the edge. Suddenly a small object falling at an awfully rapid speed shot down from the void above, it's target the void below. It was taking a path that was right near the edge of a platform. Thankfully, there was no-one near the edge. Well, at least there wasn't a few seconds ago. The item struck Adam in the back of the head, causing him to clutch his head in pain and lose his balance.

A small moment later, Adam respawned from a whole bunch of pixels on the platform again.

"Alright Chronny," he said, "When do you plan for us to leave?"

"Uh…" the Chronicler murmured.

"… you don't have any idea, do you?"

"Um… no."

"…"

"What?!" the Chronicler shouted. Adam sighed, irritated by the supposedly 'wise' Dragon's idiocy.

"If you're not responsible enough to decide when we leave, then I'LL decide. We leave tomorrow."

**There you go, Chapter 2. I love reviews! **


	3. Welcome to Hyrule

**Thanks for the reviews! Chapter 3 is here! The next song is 'Hyrule Castle' from the original Super Smash Bros game on Nintendo 64. **

Chapter 3 - Welcome to Hyrule

The sun slowly rose over the hill. Combined with the beauty of the bright orange sky, the whole plain looked like something from many realms beyond our own.

Suddenly, there was a burst of bright blue light, as a boy and a girl appeared on one side of the field.

"Hyrule field, huh?" Adam said. "Interesting, just like on Ocarina of Time!" He looked down to see he was dressed as Link, only the clothes were yellow. "Do you like your costume, Joe?" Joe didn't answer. He was looking down in horror at what he was wearing, which just so happened to be Zelda's dress.

*"W-what the hell?!" stuttered Joe. "I'm male, you idiotic bastard!!" he yelled at the screen. Suddenly, a message box appeared in front of them.

**Yes, I know. **

"Who are you?" Adam asked.

**Spyromaster64.**

"Oh, well there goes my 'we won't see him till the end' theory," Joe mumbled.

**I am here to say good luck and you may want to buy some life insurance and maybe a spare dress, Joe seems to have wet the one he's already wearing.**

"Uh, I'll keep that in mind," Adam said. Joe was now totally pissed that the author had made him deliberately need the loo when he was just starting an epic journey of randomness that made no sense.

**Good. Now for my dramatic exit!!**

The textbox simply disappeared like they normally do in _Ocarina of Time _and _Majora's Mask_.

"Well, that was somewhat… unnecessary," Adam stated.

"And retarded," Joe added.

"What should we do first?" A giant arrow suddenly appeared and pointed in the direction of a small town nestled with city walls for some reason and had a castle behind it.

"Uh, thanks." The two began to make their way to the town.

On their entrance, a guard with a silver helmet and chain mail stood by the gates.

"Hullos!!" he said stupidly. "You can come in but you're not allowed here!!"

"How can we come in if we're not allowed then?" Joe asked.

"I don't know!!" the guard huffed. "Just do something!!"

"You want me to do something?" Adam asked.

"Yes!!"

"Anything?"

"Yes!!"

"Okay, then," Adam mumbled before punching the guard in the head, knocking him out cold. "Damn, that helmet hurt my fist!!"

As the two continued on, they came to a market. There was a woman in a blue dress who was about two meters wide. She seemed to be panicking her ass off.

"Hey, fat lady!!" Adam yelled at her. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"My doggy's coat is much more special than any of the other mutts around here!" she boasted. "And--" Suddenly, she was shot in the back of the head with a hand gun. Adam peered around the woman, who was surprisingly still standing because her large size prevented her from falling over, and saw a man. Not just any man, but a man with a bandana around his head. He looked aged slightly, and was wearing full army gear. He was holding a handgun.

"Who the hell are you?!" Joe asked.

"Solid Snake," the stranger said. "Now, feel my balls!!" He suddenly shot his belt with his handgun, and all of the clothing around his legs fell off, including his underwear.

"Erm… no thanks," Adam replied, dragging Joe away from Snake, who was now stroking his hair, muttering 'he's jealous 'cause my hair is awesome'. Suddenly, a boy in green stormed up to Snake. The boy had a green hat, white vest, green tunic, a sword with a purple hilt, a silver-and-blue shield, boots and hair that was so blonde it could easier be considered yellow.

"No way!!" the boy yelled. "My hair is WAY more fabulous than yours!!"

"Prove it!!"

"Alright, then!!" Suddenly, Snake took off his bandana and Link took off his hat. Their hair both grew really long into the air. The end of their hair formed into two giant hands. Each now armed with one hair-hand like Midna's (Zelda: Twilight Princess), a fist fight was started. Adam and Joe didn't wait around to see the end result and legged it the rest of the way to the castle.

When they reached their destination, the gate, Adam and Joe came across a badly-drawn 2D sprite of a guard. He turned his head and said,

"Gimme 10 rupees!!" Adam gave him a one cent, a foreign coin he'd received while on holiday.

"Great!" the guard said, not even realising what he'd just been given. "As a present for these rupees, you can enter!" The gate opened suddenly. "DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS."

"Can I have my rupees back, now?"

"Yeah, sure!" the guard shrugged, tossing the coin at Adam. He put it into his pocket before the two continued up to the castle.

A few seconds later, a highly-detailed, maybe a little too well-drawn for a N64 game, guard saw the two boys heading up the hill.

"Halt!! Stay where you are!!" Suddenly, the sound of a whistle blowing came out of nowhere.

"No thanks," Joe said, holding up a randomly-appearing hand gun and shooting the guard in the nuts. The guard fell over as Adam walked over to him. He realised the guard was actually a Deku Scrub. He picked up a brown item from where Joe had shot the guard. Suddenly, the item started floating and rotating in the air as Adam felt his arms thrust up into the air.

"Ugh… can't… move… arms… for… some… reason…" A triumphant fanfare played and another textbox appeared nearby Adam.

"You obtained the Deku Nuts!" it read. "Throw one of these items at something and you'll be blinded by a bright white light! Doesn't that sound exciting, kiddies?"

"Wicked!" Joe said. "You normally only get those from plant things that stick their heads up in the air and bite nothing, which results in a sound being repeated which is so irritating and annoying it forces you to masturbate to calm yourself down!"

"Really?" Adam asked, surprised. "I always thought they where the end result of sex…"

The boys came to rest at a place where some bloke was sleeping, holding a bottle of milk like some teddy bear. Adam kicked him. The guy's eyes shot open. He sat up and made a panicked 'uh-urrr-uuhh' sound before running off.

"… well, that was weird," Adam commented before turning to Joe. "Now, how are we--" He stopped abruptly. Joe was on the platform with water coming out of it, wearing a Superman costume.

"… you pushed the crates, didn't you?" Adam muttered.

"Yup!" Joe trilled triumphantly.

"Whatever, let's just go…"

**The next song is called 'Song of Time'. NOT the Ocarina version, use the version that plays in the background while you're in the Temple of Time. **

After much avoiding idiotic guards who were seemingly deaf, Adam and Joe arrived at an arch. There was actually a guard looking at them from behind, but the camera wasn't on him, so for some reason the game didn't count it as being caught. As they walked into a garden through the arch, they heard music that was coming from nowhere. The whole area was outstanding. Stunning flowers were growing in the middle, and a magnificent mini-lake was stretched around the outer spaces of the garden. At the end, there was a young, beautiful girl, peering through a window. Adam and Joe neared her, before Adam cleared his throat and announced,

"Princess Zelda?" The girl turned around. She was wearing a simple dress. It was almost impossible to notice that she had abnormally huge breasts. Joe gazed at them intently.

"Whoa…" he breathed. "They're bigger than I thought…" Adam slapped Joe round the back of the head.

"Bow, you idiot," he hissed. The two bowed respectively. Although Adam found it impolite for Joe to just stand there doing nothing but staring at Zelda's female parts, he secretly could not stop himself sneaking the occasional peek either.

Zelda stared at Joe oddly.

"Your lesbian friend seems to be excessively horny," Zelda informed Adam.

"He's male," Adam responded quickly. "Please don't ask…" Suddenly, there was a flash of sky blue light, and Joe was, weirdly, now wearing a blue version of Link's Tunic (just imagine a Zora Tunic).

"Never underestimate Fanfiction Gods," Adam sighed. He turned his attention back to Zelda again. "We're here for… erm…"

"You look familiar…" Zelda stated. She shrugged. "Must be the clothes, I guess… OMG the second legend!!" she screamed rather unexpectedly.

"What second legend?" Joe asked.

"Well…" Zelda said, "Have you have the legend of the Hero of Time?"

"Yes," Adam said. "And the Ocarina of Time, Door of Time, Song of Time, and, oh, look! There goes the Michael Jackson of Time!" he said, pointing at the sky. "You were saying? How does this 'second legend' go?"

"It goes a bit like this…" said Zelda as some sacred music started to play in the background.

*_After the events of the Legend of Time, some new bloke came along and started killing everyone. So therefore, my father, the King of Hyrule, said,_

"_Screw Hyrule!! We need a new hero… to protect me!!"_

_A few days later, a strange teenaged boy, who looked just like you, Adam, came to the castle and said he could send a hero to save Hyrule. _

"Sorry to interrupt," Joe said, "But what was this boy's name?"

"Spyromaster64," Zelda replied. "Anyway…"

_My father agreed to let Spyromaster64 send a new hero. But Spyromaster64 shook his head, and said,_

"_I'll need to send two."_

"_Why?" my father asked. _

"_Because I'm only sending them here to put them through loads of pain and humiliation purely for other people's pleasure."_

"_But--"_

"_Don't worry, they'll probably still manage. Believe it or not, I'm controlling everything you're saying right now."_

"_Make me say 'I'm a Cucco!'"_

"_Okay, then. Author Powers!"_

"_I'm a Cucco!! What the…?! Who are you?!"_

"_A Fanfiction God, now go and make yourself a cup of tea or something!" _

_And with that, he just… disappeared. _

"Typical," Joe murmured. "He risks our lives purely for entertainment. Just typical."

"He's making you say that. He's making me say this. Anyway, he's not risking your lives. He makes everything happen, here!"

"I thought he was a minor god…" said Joe.

"He is," Zelda informed him. "Each Fanfiction God controls their own dimension, in a way. They can even visit other God's dimensions."

"And what's an 'Author Power'?"

"Only Fanfiction Gods can have them. These powers allow them to do and control ANYTHING, but they only work inside their own dimensions. If Spyromaster64 visited another Author's dimension, then his Author Powers wouldn't work."

"What's an Author?" Joe asked.

"Another name for a Fanfiction God," Zelda said.

"This is all intriguing, but shouldn't we be getting on with more important matters, like the plot, maybe?" Adam reminded them.

"Yeah, sure," Zelda shrugged. "You must go to the Temple of Time and do something involving explosions."

"Do we have to buy bombs?" Joe asked.

"I don't know," admitted Zelda. "But what I do know is that then, you'll have to draw the Blade of Evil's Bane from the Pedestal of Time itself. Since you're already teenaged, you won't travel forward in time or anything.

"Thanks, very reassuring," Joe muttered.

"Well, thank you, Zelda," Adam said, bowing. He then got up again. Joe hadn't bowed.

"Kneel!" Adam urged, punching Joe in the nuts.

"Hwaoh…" Joe murmured, wide-eyed. He knelt. Well, it was actually him falling to his knees from the pain.

"Eek, I don't know what do buy!!" shrieked a woman, who was running around the outside of the shop in big circles. Adam stared at her before he and Joe headed into the shop. The board above the entrance had actually said 'Walmart', but it was still a shop, wasn't it? The inside looked like the crappiest convenience store on the planet. Adam wondered if maybe the mafia had tried to build it's walls from drugs, or something. They walked over to the counter where a stripper guy was standing, eating a pack of Haribo Kiddie's Mix.

"Hello," Joe greeted. "Can we buy--"

"No DoNt CoMe BaCk HeRe SeAwOrLd IsNt FiNiShEd YeT!!" the man screamed.

"Sorry, we--" Adam began.

"ThAtS oKaY yOu CaN lOoK aT lOrD sHaMu ShAmU tHe WhAlE jUsT dOnT cRoSs ThIs LiNe!!" the man yelled.

"What line?" Adam asked, confused.

"AaAaAaAhHhHhHhHh, LeAvE mE aLoNe!!"

**Note: I did not make up that man screaming those things, I got them as quotes from an Internet Game called Nicholas' Weird Adventure 2. **

"Okay," Adam said. He picked up a few bombs and they walked out of the shop. The man stated screaming at more customers as the shop's doors closed.

**There's Chapter 3! Hope you enjoyed it! I love reviews! Aw, those cute little review thingies… I just love em'! **

**Spyromaster64**


	4. The Temple of Time

**Chapter 4 is upon us!! Muhahahaha!!**

Chapter 4 - The Temple of Time

… **why are you looking at me like that? You want a song? Fine, use that song that comes on in _Ocarina of Time _when the Great Deku Tree tells Link about the three Goddesses. The second one will be 'Regular Boss Battle' from _Phantom Hourglass. _**

After throwing several bombs at the Door of Time and therefore blowing it up, Adam and Joe entered a dark room with a huge pedestal. *Placed in it was a sword, with a purple frame and hilt and a some Japanese-like symbol on the metal, just above where the blade met the frame.

Adam walked over and readied himself to pull out the sword. He pulled hard and the sword came out pathetically easily. He walked over to Joe.

"Well--" Adam began, but his arms thrust up into the air again before he could say any more.

"You received the Master Sword!" a new textbox read. "This sword is sacred yet it's not as strong as Biggoron's Sword, so therefore this sword should be called the Crap Sword, the Blade of Evil's Hair!" Adam pulled the sword down, rather confused at why all the textboxes kept on saying all these random things.

Suddenly, an unexpected veil of light surrounded the two boys, and they were almost instantly transported into the Sacred Realm.

"What the hell…?!" Joe started. A giant guy with red hair and an orange gem sticking out of his forehead suddenly arose from a giant pie in the center of the 'room' with a black horse that had gleaming red eyes.

"Yahahahaha!!" he laughed. "Ice cream!!" He then got on his horse and did an odd action that made it look as if he was trying to have sex with the poor animal. Several unnecessarily large words appeared beneath the weird person and his horse, saying 'Idiotic Crazy Bastard, GANONDORF' as some weird music played.

*His horse then got up and charged at Joe. He dodged and kicked the horse in the thigh, causing it to buck and throw the man off. Adam casually walked over and stabbed him in the chest. The man threw back his head and clutched his throat, gasping.

"The Great Evil King Ganondorf, defeated… again… bwalgh…" he rasped as he spewed up blood.

"Should've got a health meter," Adam suggested. "Then I would've known how hard to stab you."

"Stabby-wabby, you descendant of Linky-boy!!" he screamed before falling off a randomly-appearing cliff in slow motion.

There was a quick whir of white light as the two boys were thrown backwards out of the Temple of Time, maybe a little two much. When they got up again, they were in Lon-Lon Ranch.

"Aw, crap!!" Adam yelled, kicking a cow calf, which was sent flying up to moon to some reason.

"NOOO!!" a girl screamed. "WE WERE COMPETING WITH THEM FOR MILK!! DAMN YOU, HARVEST MOON!! I'LL KILL YOU ONE DAY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!" She then turned to the boys and smiled.

"Hello, welcome to Lon-Lon Ranch," she said kindly as if nothing had happened. "What are you here for?"

"Well, nothing originally," Joe admitted, "but now we're here, can we have two horses?"

"I'm sorry, we only have one up for takes…" the girl sighed. Then her eyes lit up. "Wait a minute!" she said before taking out a Nintendo 64 Cheat System from up her skirt.

"Wait!" said Adam. "I've been looking for one of them!"

"Well, too bad, you can't have it, because it's my great great great grandsister's," she huffed.

"Grandsister?" Adam asked, confused. "Is that even a real word?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!" the girl yelled impatiently. "JUST RACE ME, BASTARDS!!"

"Fine," Adam said. The girl got on a horse, while Adam got on a hoverboard.

Within a few seconds, Adam had won. The racecourse was marked out with chalk, but Adam had unknowingly rigged it earlier when he had landed. Dust sprung all over the place, covering up most of Adam's course, meaning he only had to go a few meters and he would have won.

"Can I have my prize, now?" Adam asked.

"Sure," the girl replied. She went inside a house and came back out again a few seconds later. Now she wasn't wearing anything except a bikini.

"Here you go," she said, handing Adam her dress.

"What?!" Adam yelled. "This isn't--" His arms shot up into the air again.

"You received a dress!" the new textbox read. "Just having this item in your inventory officially makes you a pervert!" Adam sighed before throwing the dress at the girl. As soon as it touched her, she promptly fell over and died.

Joe stared at her before walking over and picking up the Cheat System. His arms were pulled into the air as a triumphant fanfare played.

"You got the Cheat System!" the new textbox read. "Make sure to be a filthy, cheating bastard and use this so often you will have done hardly anything yourself when you complete the game!"

Joe sighed and place the item into his inventory. Suddenly the fat man from the castle who was sleeping when Adam and Joe found him (see Chapter 3) came out of the house.

"THANK YOU!!" he exclaimed with relief before heading back inside again.

"… well anyway, if I recall correctly, we can get a bottle from that man by--"

"YES, THAT'S RIGHT!!" The man had come out of the house again and was holding a bottle. "HERE YOU GO!!" He then threw the bottle at Joe's head, which knocked him out, before heading back inside again.

"He's probably gonna come back out again," Adam sighed.

"CORRECT!!" He was already out of the house.

"I don't know how the hell you do that," Adam warned while in a fighting stance, "but if you come any closer, I'll make your puberty very boring."

"But I'm an overweight grown man."

"Damn it, I was hoping you wouldn't notice…" The man then walked back into his house.

"Now what the hell do I do?" Adam muttered to himself. Suddenly, the ever-helpful textbox appeared again.

**Head to Hyrule Field and talk to a man there at sunset. **

"Brilliant…"

**He won't talk to you at any other time but night. All the other time he's running and never takes any notice of you. He should give you something nice.**

"Something nice… okay!" Adam agreed.

"Something nice, he said…" Adam muttered angrily as he walked away with a fairy in a bottle. "SOMETHING NICE…"

"Hey! Listen! Hey! Watch out! Blue!" the fairy shouted, bouncing around the inside of the bottle like some hyper-freak.

"SHUT UP!!" Adam screamed. "IF YOU WANT TO TORTURE SOMEONE, TORTURE JOE!! HE'S STILL BACK AT THE FLIPPING LON-LON RANCH!!" The fairy went quiet and Adam sighed with relief.

"… … … … … … … … hey!"

"THAT FLIPPING DOES IT!!" Adam shrieked, throwing the bottle so hard it zoomed straight off the map and landed in Lake Hylia.

"Now I'll never see her again, thank god…" Adam sighed.

"Lake Hylia, huh?" said Joe as they walked around the outside of the beautiful lake. It looked more like an extremely tiny ocean more than a lake. All the fish in there had to live there all their lives once they got there, because water lead in, but none lead out. Somehow the lake didn't overflow, but it was surprising that there were actually hardly any fish even in there. Adam jumped into the water, with the bottle from Lon-Lon Ranch armed ready. He swooped it into the water and caught nothing. He sighed before plunging his hand into the water before his eyes lit up.

"I've got a catch!!" he yelled excitedly. "I've got a catch!!"

"I'll help you reel it in!!" offered Joe helpfully, as he assisted Adam with getting his hand out of the water. As they lifted it out of the water, they found it was a bottle, which contained, much to Adam's utter horror, the fairy from the running man. She didn't exactly look pissed, but was still totally hyper, despite several days had past. It seemed quite a lot of water had seeped in, so the fairy was almost drowning, but for some reason she didn't care, she just wanted to annoy everyone as much as physically possible until restrained to such an extent that she'd have to force herself to explode.

Adam was silent for the next five minutes, with the only sound in the entire area being the fairy shouting 'hey'.

"What is it?" Joe muttered, confused.

"Listen!" the fairy said.

"Okay, what do you have to say?" asked Joe.

"… blue!" Joe stared at the fairy for a moment before destroying it with a randomly-appearing bazooka.

"Hey, Spyromaster64!" Adam called up to the sky. "What are we supposed to do now?" The textbox appeared.

**Head to Termina. **

"But wait, that place isn't even in this game!" protested Joe. "It doesn't even exist because Majora's Mask hasn't been made yet!"

**True. Guess I'll have to send you to a different game.**

"How?" asked Adam.

**Author Powers!!**

The textbox disappeared as Adam and Joe were instantly warped back into the Game Engine, where the Chronicler was waiting, reading a book.

"Ah, you're back!" the Chronicler smiled. "How was your trip?"

"Brilliant, but I'm going to receive detention now because I've spent a whole week in Hyrule without my homework with me."

"Excellent!" said the Chronicler. "I hope you're ready for another trip!"

"Actually, I was just about to get to sleep," Adam said, getting into a randomly-appearing bed. "Jeez, I'm hungry." The Chronicler sighed before making it rain cookies and pizza over Adam.

"Erm, thanks, I guess…" Adam murmured, biting into a cheese and tomato pizza with cookies on top.

"I'm tired, too!" Joe leaped into another randomly-appearing bed. "Make it rain pie!" The Chronicler scowled and made it rain one steak and kidney pie, which landed on Joe's head.

"Yay, pie!!" Joe yelled happily with red eyes for some reason.

"Where are we heading next, Chronicler?" Adam asked from his bed.

"Sinnoh," the Chronicler said. "You may want to pack some warm clothes, because you're gonna go into Platinum."

"Wait a minute!" Adam said. "Spyromaster64 told us we were heading to Termina!" There was a gunshot, and the Chronicler fell to the ground. Another Chronicler was behind him, holding a giant shotgun than no man, dragon or Cyndaquil was ever meant to wield.

"Hi, Chronny number two!" Joe laughed in an idiot yet slightly disturbing way.

"He was from the future," the Chronicler explained. "Damn, he's given away part of the storyline…"

"How?" Joe asked.

"I don't know," the Chronicler answered.

"Okay, but I wanna go to bed, now," Adam replied, throwing his head into his pillow, maybe a little too hard, as his head bounced right back off it again. He then slowly settled his head on it and swiftly drifted off to sleep. Joe just fell off the bed and laid there for a long time. The Chronicler looked around and nodded before lifting up a giant spider remote and pressing a button that teleported him somewhere randomly into the unknown.

Unfortunately for the Chronicler, he had accidentally been teleported into an empty pocket of space full of Unown. The black, single-eyed creatures looked at him, chanting 'Uuuuuuunown' in a nice, if slightly high-pitched, sing-song voice. Then they all had a magnificent tea party and just decided to blow the Chronicler up with Secret Power because they were all really pissed for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile, Adam and Joe silently dreamed of angel Cyndaquils.

**There's Chapter 4 for you. You know the drill, I love good reviews, blah blah blah, and we're done. Please PM me if you want to chat with me, or something. **


	5. That Damn Clock Tower

**Beware… BEWARE… Chapter 5 will be a whole load of crap… **

Chapter 5 - That Damn Clock Tower

The whole forest was quiet. Two boys on horses gently trotted along into where the light met the form of a cave.

"Well…" said Adam. "This is new."

"New for me," Joe said. "I've never even played this game before!"

"No, but you seem happy enough to only buy the Nintendo DS ones when the Nintendo 64 ones are just equally as good," Adam pointed out. A monkey/imp… THING was watching them from the trees. He was wearing a freaky mask, that, if he knew what it even looked like, he would've thrown it into the trash to prevent himself from exploding because he'd be so freaked out.

Suddenly, a yellow fairy and a purple fairy shot out of obvious holes in the ground, armed with bazookas.

"Bitchy Tatl!!" Adam screamed as his horse bucked him off. Joe was sent flying into space for some reason, while the imp thing went over to Adam and Joe's horses and promptly laughed evilly.

"Ow!" he giggled for some reason, looking insanely happy with himself.

"Oh, crap!!" yelled Adam. "That's my horse!! Oh, well." He watched as the imp thing led his horse away. Suddenly, Adam felt his legs propel him through the air. His arms shot forward and clamped onto the horses thigh.

"What the hell?!" Adam shouted. "Damn this stupid world!!" There was a flash of light as Adam found himself in some clock tower.

**Song? Fine. 'Song of Healing' again, clock tower version, like in Chapter 1.**

"Huh?" Adam murmured. There was a badly glitched giant standing in front of him with a smile so big it stretched off his face, which made the end result deeply disturbing. Some spooky music emanated from nowhere.

*"Have you got back your instrument, yet?" he asked as Adam realised in horror that he was a Deku Scrub.

"Yes," Adam squeaked as he gave the man his randomly appearing Ocarina.

"I don't need it!!" the man screamed while still smiling. He threw it back at Adam's head, which knocked the poor Scrub out.

"Now!!" the man continued to scream. "Play this thing!!" He sat by a randomly appearing organ and played a song that was almost identical to the freaky background music.

"Unggh…" Adam murmured, getting up and picking up his Ocarina. "Erm, okay…" He then played exactly what he was supposed to play with no mistakes.

"No, no, no!!" the man yelled needlessly loudly while still smiling for some reason. "You have to embody it with the essence of retarded land!!" Adam itched his cheek, then realised in horror that his face had fallen off.

"Oh my god!!" Adam shrieked. "I've got no face!!" An assortment of colors appeared and mixed around on the screen like a slow-moving blender and eventually cleared. Adam was human, with a face. He looked down at himself and sighed with relief, before picking up the mask.

"Now, weird man," Adam asked. "Where the hell am I?"

"Termina!!" the man screamed. "It's a good place full of innocent bastards with horny thoughts!!"

"… erm, right," Adam said. "I think I'll just have to take that as 'be careful'." He walked out of a conveniently-placed door and found himself in Clock Town from _The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask_.

"I'd better go and find Joe," Adam sighed. Suddenly, a dog ran up to Adam and sniffed him. For some reason, Adam was blown back several paces as if he had just been hit by a strong attack.

"Wait a minute, I'm human, not a Deku Scrub!!" Adam yelled up to the sky. There was an awkward pause before the dog just simply disappeared. No poof, no bang, no anything. Just one second it was there, and then the next, it was gone for some odd random reason. Adam decided it was best not to question the matter and headed off to an exit. An extremely fat guard that filled two thirds of the exit blocked the way. Adam moved around to the left side to walk around him, but the guard suddenly adopted a squatting position before moving into Adam's way without moving his legs somehow.

"Can I pass?" Adam asked.

2ROLL NO U CANT CUZ I WANNA EAT YOU112 screamed the horribly-glitched guard.

"… you're grammar is really bad. If you let me pass, I can find someone to fix it for you," Adam offered helpfully.

2GWAARZZ PIE112 the guard screeched. His mouth suddenly stretched abnormally wide, about to eat Adam. Adam took a bomb out of his inventory, which somehow had been transported with him from Hyrule to Termina. He threw it into the guards mouth. He let out a huge fart before falling over. Adam held his breath and quickly scrambled over the unconscious guard's obese body. Several people in the area were unfortunate enough to accidentally catch the tiniest of whiffs and all died within two seconds of smelling it.

Adam looked at his surroundings strangely. There were strippers running around and climbing up trees, ChuChus gulping down incredibly unhealthy quantities of beer, shockingly horny Piplup hopping around raping each other and even a pub that said 'Termina Fanfiction House'. Adam walked over and entered it.

The room was filled to the brim with humans, dragons and a whole array of other creatures, even including a few ReDeads that couldn't paralyze people at all. Adam spotted Joe chatting with a clone of Adam.

"Joe, there you are!" Adam said happily. Joe looked at him weirdly.

"What? Joe's my OC. Are you Spyromaster64's OC by any chance?"

"Erm, yeah," Adam answered. "Who are you?"

"Pikaquil98," Joe said, holding out his hand. "I'm a Fanfiction god, along with Spyromaster64 here."

"So, how's your little quest going?" Spyromaster64 sniggered, taking a sip of cola as Adam and Pikaquil98 shook hands.

"Fine, but I need to know, when we're finished with Zelda worlds, where will we be heading then?" Adam asked.

"Pokémon worlds," Spyromaster64 replied. "You'll also be entering FoxMcCloud7921's worlds. He's an excellent Pokémon fanfic author. You'll find him over there." He pointed at a person sitting with a girl.

"Hey," Adam said, walking over. "Are you FoxMcCloud7921?"

"Erm, yeah," the male person said. "Adam, I presume?"

"Yeah," Adam replied. "And who are you?" he added to the girl.

"Furyfur," the girl said. "We're just chatting about Pokémon fanfics and stuff. We've both got T&D fics."

"Furry fur?" Adam repeated, confused.

"Furyfur," Furyfur sighed, slightly irritated.

"Erm, okay. So--" FoxMcCloud7921 shoved a load of papers into his face. "… thanks."

Adam exited the pub and immediately came across two Piplups raping each other and sidestepped them, slightly freaked out at the sight of hundreds of Pokémon having sex all at once. He came to rest in a swamp-like area, where a man dressed in green was hanging from a single balloon high up in the sky, drawing pictures. Adam was not sure how that balloon was supposed to hold the man. He wasn't sure where the bow and arrows that were now in his hand had come from, either. He drew and arrow and aimed at the man's balloon. Adam was very skilled in archery, but unfortunately, the sun was incredibly bright, and Adam ended up firing into the man's chest instead. He died instantly without a sound, and the balloon withered to the ground, it's rope still around the man's waist.

"… oh, dear…" Adam muttered worriedly. He looked around to make sure no-one was watching apart from a few Fire Keese (which admittedly weren't actually supposed to be there) before kicking leaves over the dead man's body. The body faded as more leaves were kicked over it.

**Oh, crap!! I have no idea why, but I've just banged my forehead on my desk for no flipping reason!! **

Adam proceeded to an area filled with midnight purple water. There was a strange boat that looked more like some sort of platform that you'd find at a boat port by the sea, and a treehouse hut, with a ladder leading up to the entrance, with a strangely fat Business Scrub to the left, stroking it's moustache. Adam climbed up the ladder and talked to the Scrub. It squeaked for a moment before saying,

"I sell Magic Beans to Deku Scrubs--"

"I'll need them at the Deku Kingdom, so I'll buy 20, please." Adam snatched up the beans and shoved some randomly-appearing rupees into the Scrub's hands. "Just imagine I'm a Scrub," he added hastily, before his arms shot up into the air again.

"Hey, how comes this didn't happen with the Deku Scrub mask earlier?!" Adam yelled. The fanfare that was in Ocarina of Time played again. A new textbox entered in exactly the same way as in the previous Zelda games Adam had been thrown into.

"You received the magic beans!!" it read. "Bake these and then shove em' into your mouth to gain the power of wind!!" Adam shrugged and shoved a few baked ones into his mouth. There was the sound of a sonic boom, before a crystal with a green light inside appeared before Adam. He picked it up, triggering the usual fanfare followed by the random 'you got this' sentences.

"You got the magic crystal Nayru's Wind!!" Suddenly, Nayru, the goddess of wisdom, appeared before Adam for some reason.

"I fart on your grave," she said enthusiastically, before letting out a huge fart and then disappearing. Adam put on a randomly-appearing respirator in the fear that Nayru's farts might be more toxic than the guard's ones. Thinking that the game was maybe becoming a little immature children's fic because of all the farting, he stepped over the body and relieved the 'T' rating by yelling,

"CRAP!! DAMN!! HELL!! DEATH!!" He exhaled smoothly and calmly, satisfied with himself before heading into the treehouse. On his way in, he kicked the Business Scrub off the platform with his left foot, which somehow stretched to two metres long before shrinking again.

Adam still had his respirator on when he went into the treehouse. He had forgotten it was there, because normally with most of these thingies, you couldn't talk because it was stuffed half-way into your mouth, leaving no gaps or spaces.

"Yas, very wise," commented Nayru from an evil secret lab/lair-like place. A huge man wearing freakishly large glasses with hypnotising swirls in them was standing behind the counter.

"Where is the boy, a child his age shouldn't be looking for fairies so he can rape them, or flying from balloons drawing pictures and maps…" he muttered. Adam was about to talk, but fell silent. Now he was feeling guilty.

"Oh, hey there!" the man said, realising Adam was there. "And how are you feeling?"

"Pants," Adam said quickly, without thinking. The man looked at him oddly for a moment before screaming in a high-pitched voice,

"OMG IT'S SKELLY KID!!"

**Why is the Skull Kid here?! Will Adam ever find Joe?! Will the man realise that Adam brutally murdered his son?! Will the Piplup ever stop raping each other?! Found out next time, in Chapter 6... mehe… or bwehe, whichever you prefer…**


	6. AssHead Skull Kid

**Okay, Chapter 6, like you wanted. **

Chapter 6 - Ass-Head Skull Kid

A strange, dark figure entered the room, wearing Majora's Mask. It was the imp-thing which had made Adam lose Joe AND the two horses. Adam drew his sword and shield.

"You made me lose Epona and a friend," Adam murmured darkly. "And now you're going to pay for that!!" He struck the Skull Kid on the head and his sword broke in half. The Skull Kid seemed totally unharmed. He shoved his hand into Adam's chest, causing him to fly back several meters through a conveniently-placed window.

He landed in some bright purple water.

"Ah, a lake-- urgh!!" Suddenly, he started flashing red. "Oh, crap!! I forgot about the poison water!!" He quickly swam to shore where some royal music played. He went through to see a supposedly intelligent monkey hopping around like a madman.

"Through here!!" he yelled happily. "Now I know my ABC!!" Adam ran past him and hopped over a few platforms. There was the colorful Deku Kingdom, right in front of him. At the entrance, there were two Guard Scrubs blocking Adam's way in.

"Halt!" one shouted. "This is the Deku Kingdom! Only authorised personnel may enter--" Adam kicked it's head, which flew off of it's body like a football and shot into the poison lake. It bobbed on the surface, making a disturbing 'glub-glub-glub' sound. Adam looked at the other one and advanced on it menacingly. It let out a quick squeak before diving into a large flower beneath it.

Adam entered and went into the main throne room, where there were many Deku Scrubs, a Butler Scrub and a Royal Scrub all seemingly dancing. Adam looked to his left to see, much to his shock, Joe tied to a pole with a monkey mask glued to his face, struggling to slip out of the ropes that bound him to the pole.

"Ah! An intruder!" shouted a Deku Scrub, running at Adam. He kicked it's head off, which was sent flying into a cauldron over a fire that was in the middle of the room. All the other Scrubs backed away. Suddenly, seven gems surrounded Adam, and some golden fire started emanating from him. His eyes turned red, and his hair stuck up as if he had just experienced an electric shock.

"Release him!" Adam shouted, pointing at Joe, who had gotten tired of struggling and fallen asleep.

"No!" the Royal Scrub shouted. "He has kidnapped my daughter!"

"Kidnapped your daughter?" Adam stared at the king, confused. "Was he horny around her?"

"Erm, no…"

"Then he didn't kidnap her."

"Then where is she?!"

"She's being held captive in Woodfall Temple by a freaky jungle warrior called Odolwa."

"Odd ol' wah?" the king mumbled.

"Odolwa," Adam repeated. "Likes stabbing people and likes sending bats after you even more. In my opinion, he's gay and retarded. Just like the Game Engine."

"I'm sorry, but due to the plot and the script, I have to keep him captive," said the king. "Kill Odolwa and I'll free him." Adam sighed and turned back to normal before exiting the room.

On his way out of the kingdom, Adam was met with a huge crowd of Scrubs that were laughing manically while all on fire.

"Aw, crap…" Adam muttered.

"FIRE!! FIRE!! BURN!!" they laughed hysterically, chasing Adam while shooting fireballs at him.

"Great, I'm getting chased by pyromaniac Deku Scrubs, running on a tight deadline to keep Joe from being lowered into a pot of boiling water with a monkey mask on his face, and I've only got two and half days left to play the Song of Time," Adam said angrily. "I don't even know how to play that song, and in this game, three whole days is about 52 minutes!!" He jumped down a large hole and watched as the Fire Scrubs flew over it and ran off in the direction of Clock Town. Adam decided it was best to forget about that strange event and climbed out of the hole before heading off for Woodfall Temple.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that a kid had taken over Spyromaster64's computer, Adam suddenly came across Odolwa, who was holding out candy for Adam. Spyromaster64 didn't even know this kid, because the kid was a gay stalker who loved to rape people and hijack computers. Spyromaster64 saw the kid and beat him up, so Odolwa and the candy disappeared, and Adam continued on his way to Woodfall Temple.

As Spyromaster64 and the stalker kid engaged in a Pokémon Battle (where Spyromaster64 won instantly, because the kid had forgotten his Pokémon, which were at his house. But they were so weak, Spyromaster64 would've won instantly anyway), Adam walked up to a building with poison water overflowing out of the top of it.

Inside, it looked like a forest version of someone's chest canopy. Vines sprouted from the walls and had overgrown so much it looked more like one of a Cyndaquil's first attempts at cooking. The thought of it brought back the memory of the Piplup raping each other, so Adam decided to quickly dismiss it and step into a light that was near the entrance. Strangely, this warped him instantly to the boss, even thought Adam hadn't even done any dungeon puzzles yet.

"These toys are too much for you!!" Odolwa yelled, who was standing on top of a huge Origami Pikachu. He lifted up his hand, which, strangely, had the Triforce of Power symbol on it. Adam quickly shot him with an arrow in the nuts, causing him to clutch his private area in extreme pain. As he fell to his knees, groaning, the large white words appeared again. Weird music played again, but this time it was different from the Ocarina of Time one. The words read, 'Gay Jungle Bastard, ODOLWA'.

"You asshole!!" Odolwa shrieked. "You mother--"

"Crapping!!" Adam interrupted quickly, muffling the swear word.

"-- asshole!!" He suddenly flew into the air and started shooting lasers out of his eyes. Somehow, Adam now had the Fierce Deity Adam mask in his hand, so he just put it on. His body changed and he just looked flipping strong and sacred. His shield seemed to have vanished off the face of the planet, but his sword was upgraded to something that looked more like someone's bad attempts at using a chainsaw on steel, or some kind of metal, or whatever the hell it was supposed to be made out of. His hat now had stickers with R2-D2 and Obi-Wan Kanobi on them. Odolwa's eyes turned red as he yelled some gibberish crap and whipped out a lightsaber.

"That's copyright!" Adam pointed out.

"I DON'T CARE!!" Odolwa screamed. "JUST FIGHT ME, DAMNIT!!"

"Okay," Adam shrugged before he got blasted into a wall. "Hey, that was so unfair!!"

"Life's unfair," Odolwa said darkly. "Now, feel my balls!!" He then made a dodgy action that made Adam wish he'd just killed the Royal Scrub and taken Joe.

"But of course, me is gonna kill you now, then after that, I'll fu--" A lightning bolt shot down from the ceiling (they're indoors, so there's no sky) and shocked Odolwa to such an extent that he exploded. Guts flew everywhere. Adam slashed any that shot close to him. Odolwa's brains slithered onto the floor and started disco dancing. Adam just shot them all with normal Arrows. An item appeared on the floor as the body parts faded and eventually disappeared. Adam walked over and picked it up. His arms shot up into the air yet again with the fanfare.

"You obtained Odolwa's Remains!!" the new textbox read. "What's this?! There's a horny Heart Container that you can get with this… for FREEEEEE!!" Adam stared at the textbox oddly for a moment before playing the Song of Soaring on his Ocarina (although for some reason he hadn't learnt it, plus he hadn't seen an owl statue yet) and warping to the Deku Kingdom entrance where there were no owl statues whatsoever. At the entrance, the Scrubs were back again.

"Would you like to see the foolish monkey again?" the one without a head said somehow. "You seem to enjoy seeing him! One more thing, can I rape you, please?" The other one was cowering in fear so much that he was on the brink of having the most random heart attack in history and beyond, stretching back to the start of the universe, the everlasting echo of the meaning of life.

"42, 42, 42, 42, 42..." the frightened Scrub repeated madly, as if hypnotised. "The crap… it burns…" Adam stared at it oddly before stepping over the decapitated Scrub (who couldn't see with no eyes) and entering the main throne room again.

Joe was hanging from a rope which was bound over a pot of boiling water and Deku Scrubs were dancing around him, repeatedly chanting 'Punishment!! Punishment!!'.

"Whassup, yo!!" the king shouted at Adam while wearing bling. "My yah-ham hommie!! What'chya dissin', dawg?!"

"JUST SHUT THE (bleep) UP AND LISTEN!!" Adam screamed, infuriated by the gangster talk for some reason. "I FORGOT YOUR (bleep)ING DAUGHTER, BUT I DEFEATED ODOLWA AND THAT'S ALL YOU SAID I HAD TO DO!!"

"But…"

"I AM NOT GOING BACK TO GET YOUR (bleep)ING SCREWED DAUGHTER!!" Adam shrieked, outraged. "YOU (bleep)ING MOTHER (bleep)ER!!"

"Arrgh!!" screamed a Scrub who was panicking for some reason. "Everybody, RUN!! He's been possessed by the sausage!!" Everyone in the room except Adam and Joe started screaming, running around and jumping into the boiling water pot.

"Don't let him touch you!!" one screamed before Adam lightly tapped him on the head. The poor Scrub fainted.

"Adam!" Joe cheered. "There you are! Oh no, I forgot! If I talk to you, then--" Joe was lowered into the pot of water for a few seconds before coming out again, his skin red.

"Just don't talk to me," Adam suggested.

"SHUT UP!!" Joe screamed before he was lowered into the pot again.

"Owned," Adam sniggered. There was an muffled aggravated yell from under the water and bubbles quickly rose to the surface.

After much convincingly for Joe to shut up long enough for Adam to rescue him, the two began to head off towards Termina Field, where the Piplup were still raping each other.

In the Termina Fanfiction House, Adam took Joe over to Spyromaster64 and Pikaquil98, who were, surprisingly, still there.

"Joe, these are Spyromaster64 and Pikaquil98," Adam said. "Pikaquil98 is your creator, and Spyromaster64 is mine."

"Really?" Joe said. "Then what the heck am I doing in one of Spyromaster64's stories?"

"Because Pikaquil98 here wouldn't stop bothering me until I let Joe into this story as one of the main characters. Also, I needed two main characters, so I just thought, aw, what the hey, I'll just go with flipping Joe."

"This fic is pretty crap so far," Adam commented. Spyromaster64 sighed.

"What did you expect?!" he exclaimed. "This is one of MY humor fanfics! My ones are always crap!"

"… so?" muttered Joe. "Can we just get going? What the (bleep) do we have to do, now?"

"Um…" Spyromaster64 murmured before whipping out a written copy of 'Games'. "Go to Ikana Canyon," he suggested.

"But…. b-but…" Joe stuttered, petrified. "There are GIBDOS there!!" Adam held up the Gibdo mask and Joe turned around. As soon as he saw it, he fainted.

"Thought you'd never played this game, Joe," said Adam. Joe obviously couldn't reply, as he was unconscious.

**Sorry that Chapter was short. The next one should be a bit longer, hopefully. **

**Spyromaster64**


	7. Flipping Gibdos

**(sigh) Chapter 7... alright…**

Chapter 7 - Flipping Gibdos

On their way to the top of the canyon, Adam and Joe came across a man running around in circles.

"Hello," said Adam. "I was wondering if you could tell us how we are supposed to get up there--"

"STOP BOTHERING ME!!" the man screamed. "I HATED THAT ICE-CREAM YOU GAVE ME LAST TIME!!"

"But we've never met you before," Joe protested, confused.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!" the man shrieked. "YOU MOTHER (bleep)ER!!"

"… whoa. I thought you said he was kinda like a hippy, or something," Joe said.

"Flip!!" Adam yelled. "Why is this game so retarded?!" The man stared at them for a moment before falling into the river below. Adam peered over the edge.

"Erm… okay…" he murmured. "That was somewhat… unnecessary…"

"And retarded," Joe added.

"Will you stop saying that?!" Adam shouted. "It's irritating enough just being in your somewhat-disturbing presence!!"

"Are you suggesting I'm a Garo?" Joe asked, shocked.

"Well, I don't know. Are you a Garo?"

"I might very well be…"

"Then stop complaining and let's go!"

"But…" Joe's comeback was interrupted when a dark veil of mysterious black light appeared.

"What the…?" Adam began. A shadowy figure emerged from the strange portal.

"Who are you?" Joe murmured. The figure was a teenage boy with brown hair and glasses.

"Theo?!" Adam spluttered. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"… to be honest, I have no idea," Theo muttered. Strangely, we was wearing a red version of Link's costume (like a Goron Tunic).

"Who's your creator, then?" Joe asked.

"What?" said Theo, confused.

"Theo doesn't have an account on Fanfiction," said Spyromaster64, who had randomly-appeared next to Adam and Joe without warning. "Therefore he isn't a Fanfiction God."

"Oh," Joe murmured.

"Now then, what the hell am I doing here?" Theo asked himself.

"I just asked you that several lines up!!" Adam screamed, slapping himself on the forehead.

"You are here to join Adam and Joe," said Spyromaster64's voice. He himself had disappeared, but for some reason, his voice remained.

"Where did he go?" muttered Joe. Spyromaster64's voice sighed.

"Glitchquil," he murmured darkly.

"Who?" asked Joe.

"The Embodiment of Computer Problems."

"Come again?" Theo murmured.

"Look, he's just a retarded Cyndaquil with the power to badly glitch you up with the power of ultimate nut-hammohn-rusaring."

"Don't you dare unload the nut-whatnot crap on me again!!" Adam shook his fist at the sky angrily. "Last time the Chronicler said those words Joe got badly glitched up!! They are cursed!! They bring torment and pain to the uselessly idiotic inhabitants of this god-damned world!!"

"Oh yeah, I remember!" said Joe. "Being glitched felt good!"

"Joe, don't be so foul!!" Theo yelled, slugging Joe, causing him to fall off the cliff into the river below.

"Congratulations, Theo!" said Adam enthusiastically. "You've just killed one of the main characters!"

"Sorry," Theo whimpered.

"No, really. Congratulations." Adam smiled.

"So, what do we do now?" asked Theo.

"Look for Joe, I suppose," Adam answered, shrugging. "I guess he'll be down there."

"Be down where?" Joe's voice caused Adam and Joe to spin around and abruptly have heart attacks at exactly the same time. Joe was standing in front of them, with a look of total confusion on his face. Adam was writhing on the ground, clutching his chest in agony of the heart attack. With Theo, it looked more like he was being attacked by a ReDead or something.

"But…" Adam gasped. "I never even got to finish reading The Legend of Spyro: Age of Heroes Book III…"

"Finish?!" Joe shouted. "You're on Chapter 16!!"

"So?" Adam glared at his friend. "You should be proud of me! I read Book II from Chapter 1 to 70, if you include the prologue, and it only took me…" Adam began to hastily perform advanced maths calculations in his head. "… 16 hours!!" Joe's jaw dropped. "C'mon, it was 70 Chapters, remember. Still, amazing storyline, though. I'd recommend the series to every Spyro fan in the universe! It's as good as a real book!"

"How could you understand the story? You haven't even read Book I," Theo pointed out.

"Never mind! It was just so!" Adam spluttered as he struggled for words.

"Hey, this talk of Spartan-029's legendary fanfics has been really cool and all, but--"

"Do you remember Pokémon 7: The Final Battle?" Adam asked Theo.

"Aw, hell yeah! You mean that really cool one from FoxMcCloud7921?"

"Yeah, that's the one!"

"… guys? Hello?"

"Ooh, what about Pax the Dreamer's Truth or Dare: Fanfiction?"

"Oh my god, yeah! That one was good!"

"… am I getting through to anyone here…?"

"And what about all those Spyro Truth or Dare fanfics?"

"Yeah, they're cool and all, but I personally think there's too many of them now. There's, like, at least ten of the bloody things…"

"Hey!!"

"A bit irritating, but I guess there's nothing we can do about it, huh?"

"You've read me like an open book!"

"Yes, but you two don't seem to be reading ME like any book!!"

"Ah, Fanfiction… what would we ever do without it?"

"Writhe around on the floor, rolling around, frothing from our mouths with ultimate boredom?"

"… good point."

"… fine. I'll just imitate Navi. HEY!! LISTEN!! HEY!! WATCH OUT!! BLUE!!" Gigantic sound waves shot from Joe's mouth and knocked Adam and Theo off guard into the stream below. As they fell, they were still discussing about legendary fanfics written by their favorite authors that they just simply could not live without, as the storylines, OCs and such were so good. Joe sighed and turned to begin his journey back to clock town and face his funeral which no-one would attend, mainly because Adam was the one with the Ocarina for some unfair reason. The Cheat System didn't work because the cheats were for games made in the year 1999 and under. Majora's Mask was a 2001 game. The truth was the cheat system was up to date. At least, it WAS a few days ago, when he and Adam still had their asses stuck in Hyrule, getting chased by perverts with guns and a girl with horrifyingly large breasts. Joe started thinking of chicken breasts and realised how hungry he was. … maybe Adam and Theo were killed and didn't come back to life? Joe was certain they wouldn't mind if he took just a quick nibble on their arms, would they? Sure, it would be weird, but--

"OHMYGODIMINAFIRE" Joe screamed as a fireball shot down from the sky and incinerated hi,. As Spyromaster64 went to court to discuss copyright matters with .net, it was now clear that Adam and Theo were alive and quite well, seeing as they were now standing in front of Joe's sorry ashes.

"Ooh, ash!" Adam chirped happily. Suddenly, Ash Ketchum arose from the pile as if he was being elevated up through a hole in the ground, with the ash hiding the hole and somehow not falling through.

"Whoa…" he said in Captain Jack Sparrow's voice. "Where am I?" He ran off, gulping down rum strangely quickly while occupying his free hand with repeatedly punching the air as if he was victorious or something. His eyes grew wide as he swallowed more rum, to the point where he had to stop, as his eyes were now stretching off of his face. He reared his head back and staggered off.

"Shit, that was weird--" Adam began, but Joe quickly struck him across the cheek. "… ow."

"You watch too many 12-rated movies!!" Joe yelled.

"… so? I'm teenaged. And that's older than 12, pea-brain."

"Pee-pee!!" Theo screamed madly. Adam and Joe spun around and almost fainted with shock. There was a Cyndaquil in front of Theo. Theo was sprawled out all over the floor, and the Cyndaquil was standing before him, repeatedly kicking him in the nuts. With every kick, the Cyndaquil's graphics wavered freakily as he began to gain power.

"No!! Theo!!" Adam yelled as epic battle music played.

**Music? Fine. Erm… go for the music that comes on in Ocarina of Time whenever you go near a normal enemy like a StalChild or Dinofol. **

*The Cyndaquil grinned evilly.

"Come to play, have you?" he said softly, yet there was a slight venomous tinge in his voice.

"We'll stop you, Glitchquil!!" Joe yelled in a lamely-imitated superhero voice.

"Just try," Glitchquil laughed. Everyone bared their teeth at him for a moment. Glitchquil frowned. "No, I'm serious. Try."

"Oh," Adam murmured, realising. "In that case, GRAAAAAAAHH!!"

"Uh, yeah! Graaah!" Joe piped up. He let loose a wild battle cry that sounded more like someone choking and heroically charged at Glitchquil. The Pokémon smiled evilly and effortlessly slid out of the way.

"But--" Joe began, but Glitchquil screw-kicked him in his side, causing him to stagger back and almost fall off the cliff. Adam sighed and shook his head for a moment before shooting Glitchquil in the head with an arrow. Glitchquil paused for a moment before whirling around to Adam and engulfing him with flames. Adam protected himself with his Hylian shield before dashing over, still armed with his shield, and slashing Glitchquil's head off. Adam almost threw up at the gruesome sight but kept his bearings.

"Heh, nice one," the Glitchquil said somehow.

"Oh, damn. Are you and one the Deku Kingdom's entrance guards relatives by any chance? You're both small and cute, and you can talk with no heads." Adam felt the Glitchquil staring at him; if he could.

"… you're such a pervert, did you know that?"

"No, you sick-minded lunatic!!" Adam yelled. "When I said cute, I didn't mean it in that context!!"

"Oh." Adam saw Glitchquil's inner neck muscles move to get his head that wasn't there to bow shamefully. "I apologise."

"That's great, now can we just--" Adam narrowly dodged a swipe of Glitchquil's small leg which soared disturbing close under Adam's private area.

"I thought you'd never ask," Glitchquil replied with a tone of bloodthirsty pleasure.

"Liar!!" Adam yelled. "You knew I was gonna say that!!" Glitchquil paused again as he pondered the matter.

"Hm. Good point." He then let out a ferocious roar as he folded his arms and his legs performed the can-can, each leg rising pushing the risk of being badly glitched closer and closer to fate's attention. Adam staggered back against the edge of the small cliff and looked worriedly back to Glitchquil, who was closing in on his prey. He laughed evilly.

"Where to go, where to go…" he mocked. "Either face a future of torturous glitchiness or face a future of endlessly smashing against rocks and fighting for air in the many waterfalls beneath you!"

"What the hell are you talking about? There's no waterfalls down there and it's only a six feet drop."

"Damn it, why did Spyromaster64 make you so observant?"

"It's pretty obvious. And why did Spyromaster64 make you so gay?"

"That's not true." Glitchquil shuffled away slightly. "I have a girlfriend."

"Really? Who? Your mother?"

"No. Someone." Glitchquil re-focused his attention and began to build up Glitch Energy. It was obviously Glitch Energy, as everything near the surround light was distorted with badly-ordered pixels.

"Wait a minute. There's one think that causes more glitches than anything else in video games," Adam noted to himself quietly. Joe, who had been unconscious, lifted his head groggily.

"What? The people who make the game?"

"No, cheats! They mess everything up! They make the game freeze and everything gets glitchy! Once on your Pokémon Diamond, you showed me the walk-through-walls cheat. When you went to Solaceon Town, everything was completely black and you could only see the people's shadows. I bet Glitchquil is being re-enforced with your cheat system!"

"Wha…" Joe murmured drunkenly. Adam sighed.

"Your Action Replay, stupid," he muttered.

"Oh, yah!!" Joe yelled happily, rolling into Theo, causing both of them to roll off the edge of the cliff to their non-dooms. Adam sighed again and walked next to Glitchquil.

"Look. I'm tired. We'll talk later, okay?" Adam shoved a large amount of money into Glitchquil's hands.

"Uh… okay," he agreed as the Glitch Energy disappeared.

"Try and kill us when we're less tired, maybe. Talk to Spyromaster64 for details."

"Oh. Alright. Cheers." And with that, Glitchquil disintegrated into the air. Adam took a deep breath and exhaled smoothly.

"Hey!" Glitchquil's voice said. "Stop breathing me in!"

"Whoops, sorry," Adam apologised.

"… god, your lungs are ugly."

"Get out of it!!" Adam breathed out as hard as he could, hurting his throat.

"Yay, fresh air!!" Glitchquil's voice came.

"Later," Adam sighed, walking off to find Theo and Joe.

The three headed back to the Termina Fanfiction House, where it was explained to Theo about Adam and Joe's adventures--

"Wait a flipping minute!!" Theo yelled at Spyromaster64. "How was I cured? And you named the chapter 'Flipping Gibdos'. There were no flipping Gibdos in it!! In fact, there were no Gibdos at all!!" Spyromaster64 sipped his cola innocently.

"Where do we head to next?" Joe asked.

"Zora Hall," Spyromaster64 replied. "It's just off the coast of the Great Bay Sea."

"What's so great about the bay?" asked Adam.

"Nothing," Spyromaster64 replied. "The mafia just decided it would rake in more tourists than if they just called it 'Bay Sea'."

"A sea that resides by a beach," Theo murmured. "That sounds… odd."

"You should see the green things that come out of the sand there," Adam groaned. "I kept on losing my hearts because they wouldn't stop hitting me when I first got to that area."

"Yeah, but we weren't sucked into the game then," Joe pointed out.

"At any rate, I suggest you get there by dawn," Spyromaster64 suggested.

"Why?" Theo asked.

"Because dawn will mark the third and final day. And Adam knows what happens then." Joe and Theo turned to Adam eagerly, expecting an answer. Adam sighed before explaining about the moon crashing into Clock Town.

"How could the moon fall out of orbit?" Theo asked.

"Gravity being increased maybe," Spyromaster64 sighed. Behind them, a completely naked man stood on top of a huge pile of empty beer cans and quite badly imitated a swan-dive onto the floor. He fell faster than usual.

"But that has nothing to do with it," Adam protested.

"Oh, you nitwits!" Pikaquil98 sighed.

"… whoops. Glitchquil was here."

"How do you know?" asked Joe.

"There's been a typo in Pikaquil98's name every since you first met him. Author Powers! There. It's fixed now."

"Finally!" Pikaquil46 sighed. "I thought you had already noticed, but were ignoring me!"

"… no," admitted Spyromaster64. Pikaquil46 sighed yet again.

"Fine. Whatever. But anyway, as I was saying… you nitwits!"

"What? What's wrong?" Adam asked curiously.

"The reason the mall will fall is because of Skull Kid and Majora's Mask!"

"Oh," Theo muttered. He looked over to a nearby table and his jaw fell open. "OH MY GOD!! AUTHORS ARE GIVING OUT AUTOGRAPHS!!" Adam's eyes quickly widened as he spun his head around to gape at the sight. Authors like Spartan-029, Dreamnorn, FoxMcCloud7921, Furyfur, Pax the Dreamer and many more were giving out Autographs. As Adam and Theo quickly put on Superhero costumes and rose into the air before flying over the waiting line, Joe sighed and went over to the bar. There was an old hag at the counter.

"One cola, please."

"That'll be 4, 965 rupees." She held out her hand.

"Uh, back in a mo." Joe dashed through the waiting line and turned to Adam.

"I NEED CASH!!" Joe screamed.

"Uh, yeah, sure…" Adam murmured, handing Joe a billion rupees without turning away from the authors.

"Cheers," Joe thanked him, before he dashed back over to the counter. "Here." He gave the money to the hag.

"Sure, but no refunds. Enjoy your cola!"

"… where is it?"

"What?"

"My cola."

"What about it?"

"It's not here."

"What's not here?"

"My cola!"

"What's with your cola?"

"The cola isn't here!"

"Whose cola isn't here?"

"Mine!!"

"What's yours?" One of Joe's eyes began to twitch.

"I PAID LOADS OF MONEY FOR A COLA AND YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ONE!!"

"Oh yes, did I mention? It's non-existent."

"Bitch!! Gimme back my cash!!"

"Where's my rupees gone?" Adam muttered in the background.

"No refunds! Besides, you knew what you were getting."

"No I didn't!"

"You said you wanted a cola!"

"A REAL ONE!!"

"A real what?" Joe screamed before jumping on the hag. Suddenly an army of teenage girls in nothing but bikinis burst through the door.

"Pervert!" one yelled as they all piled on top of Joe. Joe shrieked in agony as he quickly lost his hearts. Spyromaster64 and Pikaquil46 watched from their table in satisfaction, with Spyromaster64 sipping his cola, which god knows how he managed to buy in this place if he got it from here.

"What do you suggest we do?" asked Pikaquil46.

"Might as well make the most of it while we can," Spyromaster64 answered. He pondered for a moment. "Ah, doesn't matter, anyway. They'll probably just stalk him."

"God help that poor guy."

"God kill that poor guy." Pikaquil46 glared at Spyromaster64.

"There are gonna be a lot of religious people angry at you," he warned. Spyromaster64 stared at a window.

"I think they already are," he commented. Pikaquil46 looked out of the window as well. They was an angry mod of religious people, banging against the window, trying to smash it open.

"I don't know why they just don't use the front door," Pikaquil46 pondered aloud. "It's unlocked."

"They probably think it is. It's natural. Most sane people in here would lock the front door when they saw an angry mob coming."

"But we didn't see the angry mob coming."

"… good point."

"You should cut down on people saying 'good point'. It's been said several times in this chapter already."

"… good point."

"Shut up!"

"Okay." Adam and Theo walked back to the table, proudly holding laptops that said 'Fanfiction' on them. They were covered in many author's autographs.

"This is better than the day I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," Theo sobbed happily. Adam was crying, too; until he noticed what Theo had said.

"You've actually read that book?" he asked, surprised.

"Yeah. What, don't you like it?"

"I do like it, I just didn't think you had a copy of it." Theo's eyes turned red. "… meep."

"Eeek!!" came Joe's voice from a large pile of girls in bikinis. Adam looked out of the window at a building over the road, from which girls in bikinis were spawning from. It said 'Asylum'. Then the sign fell down as Adam realised it was hiding the sign behind it that read 'Strip Club'. He was beginning to wish that the angry mob of religious people who Spyromaster64 had accidentally attracted would come back.

"Oh my god, this is weird!!" Adam yelled as more girls spilled into the room. Many authors had to scramble up onto tables to avoid being swept away. The old hag had already drowned under the weight of Joe and the girls.

Suddenly, the Star Fox theme tune started playing as an Arwing II, a Bullfrog, a Sky Claw and a Cloud Runner flew into the room. Each of the four ships opened to reveal their respective pilots; Fox McCloud, Slippy Toad, Falco Lombardi and Krystal whatz-er-name.

"Eat dis, bitches!!" Fox screamed before throwing a motion sensor bomb at the pile of girls. Seeing as they were all struggling and squirming about to try and suck Joe's blood like vampires, the motion sensor bomb went off a few milliseconds after Fox had thrown it. This meant that the bomb was only a few centimeters away from Fox's face. It exploded, blasting Fox's head off. The explosion wasn't particularly large, and the other Star Fox members weren't very interested at mourning for their dead leader. So they decided to go to some outer-space pub and get totally pissed and beating each other up before making out a few seconds later. Spyromaster64 shuddered at the strange thought.

"Author Powers!!" he yelled. Suddenly, Adam, Joe, Theo, Spyromaster64, Pikaquil46 and the rest of the authors were outside of the Termina Fanfiction House.

"… okay, that had the be the most strangest event in my life," Theo commented. Everyone seemed to be unharmed, except for Joe, who had squashed limbs, bite marks which leaked horribly high quantities of blood and was finding it hard to breathe, so he resorted to the ancient art of hyperventilating.

"Author Powers," Spyromaster64 sighed. Joe was instantly healed, but he was still breathing fast. As he slowed down to normal, Spyromaster64 and Pikaquil46 turned to Adam and Theo.

"The Great Bay Sea resides to the western region," Spyromaster64 informed them. It should be a five-minute walk from Clock Town.

"Wow, for a country, Termina sure is small," Theo pointed out.

"I agree," said Adam, "but that's not what we should be focusing on now. We've got to head over there."

"I think I'll stay in Clock Town," Joe wheezed, falling to the floor.

"Nope, you're coming with us," said Adam firmly.

"… damn it."

"Oh, stop complaining." Theo heaved Joe off the ground. "Could be worse."

"We can get there faster by horse riding," said Adam. He spotted Epona and two Epona Clones standing on top of the Clock Tower in Clock Town for some reason. "Shit, I forgot Epona's Song!"

"What?" Theo muttered, confused.

"Oh. I forgot you've never played Zelda games before except for the Online ones," Adam said thoughtfully.

"It's a song that summons your horse," Joe explained helpfully. "I think it goes… uh…"

"Just look in the menus," Pikaquil46 sighed, shaking his head at the three boy's idiocy. He looked at Spyromaster64 suddenly. "How come there's no main girl characters in this fic?" Spyromaster64 sighed.

"Because the real-life Joe and Theo are good friends of mine," he replied. "You should know. Pikaquil46. After all, you ARE the real-life Joe."

"Good point-- OH MY GOD!! I'VE STARTED SAYING IT NOW!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" As Pikaquil46 was left for his head to start inflating for some reason, Adam, Joe and Theo began to make their way towards the Great Bay Sea.

**Adam: … (yawn) Flip, I'm tired. This Chapter's getting rather long, isn't it? **

**Joe: Good-- (gets hit round the head with a giant sledgehammer) **

**Theo: (wielding a giant sledgehammer) Bad Joe!! **

**Joe: (sniffle) **

**Theo: REALLY bad Joe!! (holds up half-filled mug of coffee) I paid five hundred rupees for that terrible excuse for coffee!! **

**Spyromaster64: Shut up. We do have a Chapter to finish, you know. **

**Pikaquil46: So stop squalling or we'll send you over to Spyromaster64's T&D. **

**Adam, Joe and Theo: …**

**Spyromaster64: By the way, a quick note. The Adam in my T&D is ME. Not the Adam in this fic, who is based off me. Plus, shout-out to Spyro and Pokémon fans! For Spyro fanfic lovers, read Spartan-029's 'The Legend of Spyro: Age of Heroes' trilogy. I my PERSONAL opinion, Book II is best. **

**Pikaquil46: No, it isn't! Book III!**

**Spyromaster64: BOOK II!!**

**Pikaquil46: BOOK III!! **

**Spyromaster64: (sighs) Whatever. And for Pokémon fans, FoxMcCloud7921's fanfics, Pikachu and Me, Pokémon: At the Worlds End, Pokémon: War Returns Home, Pokémon 5: Evolution and Pokémon 7: The Final Battle. But still, don't forget that they're my own personal suggestions. Also, don't forget other authors like Dreamnorn, Pax the Dreamer, Nintendofan333 and all those other ones. **

**Pikaquil46: Mehe… **

**Spyromaster64: Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed that Chapter! Chapter 8 shall be up soon. AND SEND REVIEWS!! PLEEEEAAASE!! **

**Theo: … cheese! **


	8. What the hell!

**Adam: Aw, I was really looking forward to using the Song of Healing on the mummy guy and encountering the skelly-thingies!! **

**Spyromaster64: … you actually WANTED to see those guys? **

**Joe and Theo: Hell, yeah!! **

**Spyromaster64: Believe me, you will take that all back when I tell you what I had in mind for the plot of that part. **

**Adam, Joe and Theo: Why? **

**Spyromaster64: (whispers into their ears) **

**Adam, Joe and Theo: (gulp needlessly loudly) **

Chapter 8 - What the hell?!

After two hours of walking (mainly because the three stopped for a 'lunch break' every thirty seconds), Adam, Joe and Theo made it to a lovely beach. The sun's rays eternally echoed off the water. The effect was so outstanding yet effortless anyone could believe it could be everlasting, maybe even after the apocalypse.

"Y'know, I always imagined D-Day to be in the year 2975," Joe commented.

"… why hasn't the moon fallen yet?" Adam pondered aloud. "Three days in the game is about fifty eight minutes. It's been two hours since the night of the second day and it's only just phasing into the morning of the third day."

"Must be the Author Powers set up by Spyromaster64," suggested Theo.

"I guess that could maybe be an answer," Joe agreed, nodding. "And--" Before Joe could say any more, a long spear came from absolutely nowhere and skewered Joe in the chest.

"Whoops," came a voice from the sky that seemed to belong to Pikaquil46.

"I thought you were aiming for that Zora over there," Spyromaster64's voice echoed.

"Hehe, Joe looks cool when he's dying!" laughed Pikaquil46's voice. Joe was sprawled on the ground, having what looked like a seizure or a spasm attack.

"I'll heal him," Spyromaster64's voice spoke. "Author Powers." The spear came out of Joe's chest and the hole closed up.

"Thank go-- ARRGGHH!!" Another spear skewered him, this time in the head.

"Oops," Pikaquil46 sniggered. As Joe's head was healed, one more spear came and hit Joe's private area.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Joe screeched. Pikaquil46's voice burst out laughing. Spyromaster64's voice sighed. There was a sound of a fist hitting a head, then a thump.

"I apologise for Pikaquil46's strange behavior," said Spyromaster64's voice. Pikaquil46's voice moaned in pain. "Zora Hall has two entrances. Underwater and on the surface."

"Uh, okay," said Theo. "We'll go look for the entrances now."

"Good. I'll see you later. Oh, and Joe?" Joe just barely managed to lift his head up as he removed the spear from his nuts.

"Pikaquil46 stole my stash of Zeus's Lightning Bolts the other day." Joe groaned. His privates were damaged enough as they were.

There was the sound of someone scrambling to their feet and grabbing something. An evil laugh echoed all around the map area and a huge lightning bolt shot down and struck Adam, Joe and Theo.

As the three friends were blasted to somewhere random, the camera changed to view Spyromaster64, Pikaquil46, FoxMcCloud7921, Spartan-092, Cloethedragoness and loads more, looking down through the clouds they were standing on.

"Well, that was… somewhat random," Cloethedragoness laughed nervously.

"What did you expect?" Spyromaster64 sighed. "The fanfic is random, gay and retarded. It's natural for something like this." He suddenly had a sulky face. "That's probably why I've only got 13 reviews."

Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves catapulted into the moon, which, for some reason, had a face on it. The face looked like it's owner was just really constipated, but it was actually supposed to be angry.

"Isn't this messing up the storyline?" Adam muttered to himself. Some fluffy bunnies bounded across the rocky surface.

"Yay, machine guns!!" Joe yelled happily with red eyes again.

_Later that night_

Adam, Joe and Theo laid asleep beside a tree on the moon's rocky surface, which for some reason was actually supposed to be grassy despite the laws of nature. Adam's head rested against the bark silently, as he laid motionless in his slumber. Joe was laughing quietly whilst having very violent spasm attacks, and Theo was just biting his arm off. Literally.

Before them laid a plastic container. Inside it was a sandwich. No-one on earth was actually sure where this sandwich had come from. For some reason, another moon appeared in the sky. A silver pool of light shone down from it, right onto the sandwich. Suddenly, the food started vibrating. Adam's eye twitched as it opened slightly.

"… huh?" By now, the whole container was shaking. "… what's a sandwich doing here? And why is it shaking?" It started to convulse violently. "Arggh!!" Adam got up and ran, dragging his two friends across the ground with him, who were still asleep.

The sandwich started to grow green hairy stuff. Mould spread rapidly across it's surface. A wolf howled in the distance as the sandwich started to pass it's use-by date. Adam grunted as he desperately tried to heave and pull his friends over the abnormally large rocks. The sandwich howled like a wolf somehow.

"Oh no," Adam whimpered. He stumbled back and fell to the ground, trying to scramble away from it. "It's the were-sandwich."

Adam sat straight up, shivering uncontrollably, cold sweat running down his face. He shook it off.

"That was so weird," he commented. It was now morning for some reason. The sun's rays bounded off the beautiful, if slightly boring, rocky surface of the moon. Joe and Theo were awake and packing useless supplies like teddy bears, machine guns, laser gun-thingies from Star Trek, lightsabers and food that was made from mashed-up dog shit. Joe turned his head and smiled. For some reason, half his teeth were missing, and the ones that remained were either stubs, incredibly sharp or just blue. Maybe Joe has Bluetooth.

"Good morning," he said. He helped Adam to his feet. "Better go for the three S's!"

"What?"

"Shit, shower and shave!" Joe trilled before galloping off on a randomly-appearing unicorn. Adam stared for a moment before following him and Theo across the moon's many sickeningly boring, rocky plains of… rock. Meanwhile, an evil-looking sandwich watched them from the shadows.

**Finally, it's music time again! This time it's 'Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Legend'. The main theme. You know, the one that comes up on the main menu and had a woman singing in some ancient language. Yeah, I just thought I would go well. I use the DS version, as I've only got _Legend_ on DS. My others, _Anniversary_ and _The Angel of Darkness_ are on PS2. And I'm bloody stuck on all three of them. **

"Please. Turn. That. Off." Adam, Joe and Theo were now flying through Termina on their own dragons, like the ones from the _Inheritance Cycle_. Theo had brought along an MP3 player and a loudspeaker. He had plugged it into his dragon's arse and somehow it was working. It was loudly playing the Teletubbies theme tune. Theo's fingers were hastily scrabbling at the buttons.

"I can't!!" he yelled. "I tried to play _Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger_ by Daft Punk, and then this crap comes up!!"

"Turn. It. Off. Or. I'll. Break. It. Over. My. Knee." Adam's eyes were bloodshot, and the skin under his eyeballs were completely black. His face had gone completely pale, and his eyes had drooped somehow. His hair was slowly turning grey from stress. "It. Is. Torturing. Me." Joe was in so much agony from the music he tried to distract himself by stroking his privates. He found even that didn't help.

"Theo. You. Mother. Fucking. Bastard," Joe rasped, trying to desperately keep himself from passing out and therefore falling off his dragon. Theo, being the closest to it, was now already dead. The dragons had put on earmuffs and were quite happily flying along, chatting about random crap telepathically. Adam knew it was up to him.

*He stood up and leaped across from his dragon to Theo's. The music was killing him and already destroying his insides. Knowing he didn't have very long, Adam formed a rod of convexity between his hands and began to shout some bullshit.

"_Algonesianon, sirähas, 'a uhe!!"_ he yelled over the rush of the wind. The buttons began to light up before a cube popped out and turned into the Pigma Dangar boss from _Star Fox Command_. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me." It began to twist into odd shapes like a rubix cube.

"Take cover!!" Joe screamed, jumping off his dragon and plummeting to the ground below. Adam sighed and shook his head before shoving a pack of explosives into the device.

"Dive, boy! Dive!" he yelped, kicking his legs from the dragon, causing it to snarl irritably, and also making him fall to the world below. He felt his vision spinning out of control before there was a sickening _thud_.

Spyromaster64 kicked the body and sighed.

"Well, that's one more OC screwed." He jumped on the body's stomach, and it's owner's eyes shot open. Adam jolted awake, coughing up blood.

"Eurgh," he murmured. "Don't worry, Jane!! I'll fuck him for you!!" Realising where he was, he sank back, embarrassed. Spyromaster64 leered at his OC.

"You have disgraced yourself, your honor and your ancestors," he said sternly. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Uh… there's a whole bunch of Zelda video games going for free at a shop somewhere in Peru?"

"Nice try. But anyway, the story's gotten messed up again."

"Why?"

"Because… uh… well, not even I know. It must've been that green sandwich I hate." Spyromaster64 pondered for a moment before his stomach made a sickening sound. He suddenly became very pale.

"Uh oh. Here comes the gospel according to puke!!" He whirled around and retched onto the floor. Adam stared as his creator managed to stop being sick for long enough to turn to the camera. "Copyright from _The Simpsons_." He then turned back and was sick again.

**There you go. Chapter… uh, what was it now? Eight, wasn't it? Oh, yeah! I'll start the next one right away. In the meantime…**

**BRAVVADISNISMO!! **

**(rough translation from Cyndavolvian: 'FUCK YOU ALL NEXT TIME!!') **


	9. N64 Massacre

**Woohoo! I've now got Tomb Raider: Underworld on PS2! I know it's got loads of awful reviews, but I personally think it's brilliant. … if slightly short and easy. **

**Well anyway, as you know, here is the next chapter of my fanfic, 'Games'. And this one's going to be really violent. WOO!! YEAH!! … (cough, cough) uh, before we continue, I'd first like to welcome Oslaede6 to Fanfiction, and give a quick shout-out to Spyro fans. Here's the shout out…**

**READ SPARTAN-029'S FANFIC, 'Age of Heroes: Karma and Convexity'!! **

**And that's all I really have to say. Enjoy.**

**Spyromaster64**

Chapter 9 - N64 Massacre

Adam's tongue stuck out slightly, getting dryer every second as he concentrated hard on his picture. Theo peered over.

"Nice dragoness," he commented.

"Thanks, it's supposed to be Cynder," Adam told him. He turned to Joe. "You know those 'binoculars' are actually for testing your eyes, right?" Joe spun around to face the other two, holding a small machine to his eyes.

"Haha, cool!" Joe laughed. "It says 'you need contact lenses!'" Adam slapped his forehead.

The three boys were stuck in the middle of Snowpoint. On camels. That were chewing gum. And were listening to MP3 players.

Joe's camel, which was wearing a gangster hood, didn't listen to a bloody thing he said to it. Theo's was seriously gay and so mentally retarded it didn't know the difference between a stick and an African elephant. Adam's was constantly collapsing and doing sheep and penguin impressions. Sometimes, it would do both at the same time, which sounded like… uh… well, it was very disturbing, to say the least.

"We need shelter. There's a village over there," Theo pointed out. Adam squinted as he peered through the snowy landscape and saw nothing but hills with windows and fat orange bowling balls.

As they neared, Adam cleared his throat. He announced to a fat orange bowling ball that was looking in the opposite direction,

"We are looking for shelter. Can you he--" The fat orange bowling ball spun around. It had white, bulging eyes with tiny little dots for pupils. It's mouth was rather wide, and had dropped so much it looked like it's jaw had been dislocated. The pure red lips around it looked chaffed.

"Oh no," Theo whimpered. "It's the… the…"

"Shoop-da-whoop face," Adam finished for him, nodding worriedly. "And we all know what that means."

"I don't," said Joe. "So I'll just assume it's bad."

"Oh, it's bad," Theo told him. "What's more, it means we have almost no chance of survival."

"Why?" Joe asked. Adam and Theo pointed at the fat orange bowling ball at the same time, their faces looking exactly the same, the two of them holding the exact same face. Joe turned and his eyes widened.

"I'M A FIRING MAH LAZAH!!" the fat orange bowling ball screamed before there was an incredibly loud 'BLLWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH' sound. As this sound came on, Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves blasted by an impossibly humungous blue laser that came directly from the fat orange bowling ball's mouth.

The three adventures were in the middle of a dark room. Adam was the first to come to his senses. He realised that he and his two companions had been bound tightly to a wooden pole. He looked around desperately.

"Comfortable?" a familiar voice came.

"Agh, fuck off!" Adam muttered. "Can't you see I'm busy?" There was a pause.

"… fine," the voice replied sulkily. "I'll just fuck off. Here I go, FUCKING off. FUCKING off. Uh, uh, uh, oh god… uh, uh, UH, UH!! How does one exactly 'fuck off'?"

"Very quickly," Adam answered impatiently. There was the sound of slow footsteps fading away, before the grew faster and louder again, implying that the speaker had returned abruptly. "I thought you just fucked off!!"

"Yeah, I just fucked back on again!" the voice trilled excitedly. "Now, where were we…?"

"You were just about to go to Mars to masturbate and never return."

"Do you want me do glitch you up?" the voice threatened sweetly. Adam shrugged.

"I dunno," he murmured.

"Alright, then." A shadowy figure emerged from the darkness. "IT IS I, GLITCHQUIL!!" he laughed evilly. Nothing else happened. One of Glitchquil's closed eye's twitched agitatedly. "Uh… Volteer? Lights? Please?"

"Oh, right," mumbled a voice in the background as a sudden power surge caused the lights to spur into life, the beam of a spotlight raining down gloriously onto Glitchquil.

"Flip, not you again," Adam sighed. Glitchquil grinned evilly.

"Oh, yes. I'm back, and I'm hornier than ever, baby!!" He then performed a strange pose. Adam coughed nervously. "Oh, uh, I mean, I'm better than ever, uh, baby!!" He did the pose again, but it seemed pretty much pointless now.

"Right. Can we just get this over with?" muttered Adam. "I wanna get home and read some fanfics on my snazzy new laptop from the Fanfiction house."

"I understand your eagerness," Glitchquil sighed. "But anyway… I'm sure you remember the Fire Scrubs from earlier." Adam shivered violently as he remembered the incident where he was chased by Deku Scrubs, that were, very strangely, on fire.

"Yeah."

"Well, let's just say it looks that Clock Town might not be destroyed by the moon after all."

"Really? That's great!" Adam sighed with relief.

"Yup! It'll be obliterated by the Fire Scrub's rampage, instead." Every conscious soul in the room fell silent.

"But… we did so much to save it…" Glitchquil raised a stubby, fingerless, clawless paw that was well rounded in a cute way, like with any other Cyndaquil.

"You did so much to save yourselves," he corrected. "Hey, this is a video game, you'll get used to it. Everyone in it is just another stupid, idiotic mindless bunch of ones and zeroes created by advanced computers, like all video game characters."

"But what about the Termina Fanfiction House?" Adam protested.

"It's safe," Glitchquil assured him. "Anyway, I'm the main antagonist, so right now I have to try to kill you."

"And fail miserably?" Adam asked hopefully. Glitchquil shrugged.

"I don't know. I'm not the author."

"Okay, but seeing as he's bound to a pole, you'll have to fight my OCs." It was a new yet familiar speaker this time. As another figure stepped into the light from the shadows, Adam recognised it was Spyromaster64. Glitchquil sighed, slightly irritated.

"Okay. Which one?" Spyromaster64 grinned.

"Oh, just my personal favorite." Adam's eyebrows raised. "Aurora the dragoness." There was a flash of icy blue light as a young, teenaged, aqua blue dragoness who seemed as calm as the still waters of the Antarctic itself appeared before them. "Have fun!" Spyromaster64 trilled before disappearing in a flash of light.

"Weird," Glitchquil muttered. He turned to Aurora.

_7 minutes later_

Everything in the room except for Glitchquil, Aurora, Adam, Joe and Theo was totally obliterated. Glitchquil and Aurora were at each other's throats, biting and slashing at their opponents viciously.

"For a gentle in personality dragoness, she sure is violent in combat," Adam noted to himself.

Aurora and Glitchquil were just about to reach the peak of their power, when suddenly, Lara Croft burst through the wall being chased by two thralls (see Tomb Raider: Underworld).

"Damn it!!" she yelled as she was devoured horribly by a thrall that was wearing a horrifyingly large condom.

As Aurora and Glitchquil were momentarily confused, Adam took the opportunity to somehow make the ropes disappear and float into the air, purple aura surrounding him.

"CONVEXITY BLAST!!" he screamed. There was a flash of magnificent purple light, and then nothing more.

**Song! 'The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night main theme' is the next one you're looking for. **

**Oh yeah, I've heard there's a really good song in the game called 'This Broken Soul'. I've completed the game twice (I play A New Beginning and Dawn of the Dragon more) yet I still haven't managed to pick it up. When do you hear it in the game? If anyone could answer by PM or review, that would be great. **

Adam opened one of his eyes groggily and looked around. He was starting to get really pissed at being repeatedly knocked out and waking up in random places.

*He was in a cave. It was strange, because the Chronicler was standing before him.

"What do you want?" Adam sighed.

"Well, I found you floating around space, so I decided to take you here," the Chronicler answered.

"… that's slightly… random…" Adam commented. "Where's Theo and Joe?" Suddenly the Chronicler started to turn fat.

"HEEHEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" he laughed madly before exploding.

"SHIIIIIIIIT!!" Adam screamed before he blacked out for a third time.

"Adam? Adam? Wake up!"

"Wha…?" Adam murmured drunkenly, sitting up. He was in the middle of a house. Joe was sitting next to him. His eyes widened as he jumped to his feet.

"NO!!" he yelled. "I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!! YOU'LL SCREAM THAT YOU ONLY LIKE CHOCOLATE COOKIES, THEN A GAME CONFERENCE WILL START, CAUSING THE WORLD TO EXPLODE, THEN EVERYONE WILL BE FLOATING AROUND IN SWIMMING POOLS FULL OF DRUGS AND THEN EVERYONE WILL BECOME SO MENTALLY RETARDED THAT THEY'LL BE ENCOURAGED TO WATCH THE TELETUBBIES FUCKING EACH OTHER!!" he screamed. Joe's eyes widened and he slowly backed away.

"Calm down," he urged. But Adam had no intention of calming down. He got up slowly, but when he was standing, he ran out of the house at four times the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog.

When he finally came to a halt, he noticed the house had been a cottage in Termina Field. In the distance, he spotted Clock Town. In the field, the strippers were falling off the trees and exploding like Bombchus, the ChuChus were so drunk they couldn't see and were now bouncing off cliffs, and the Piplup were still raping each other. Adam noticed there were more Piplup than before. As he looked to his right, he saw many of the little blue penguin Pokémon dashing out of a forest and leaping on any Piplup not already occupied as if the fate of the world and the universe depended on it.

Clock Town, predictably, was already mostly destroyed. The invading Fire Scrubs were bouncing around as if they had consumed the whole world's supply of sugar (although they probably had), transforming everything they made contact with into a mixture of flames and ashes.

Theo, who with Joe had now caught up with Adam, narrowly avoided a Fire Scrub cannonball.

"FIRE!! FIRE!! BURN!!" they laughed hysterically, chanting in an odd rhyme.

**The next song to use is 'The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon - Into the Flames'. It's that music in Warfang when you have to put out the flames on a building. Yes, I like Spyro music. Bite me again. **

"Argh!" Joe yelped in a Homer Simpson voice. "They're blowing up everything!" Adam turned to Theo.

"Should we run for our lives?" he asked politely.

"Oh yes, let's," Theo said, smiling sincerely like a British gentlemen. There was a pause before the three of them ran like the hell, screaming.

"FIRE!! BURN!! BURN!! BUUUURRN!!" the Fire Scrubs laughed, chasing them while throwing fireballs.

*As they neared a corner, to turn quickly, Adam jumped onto the side of the wall and propelled himself off in the direction of the new path. Joe held onto a pole to turn and Theo did nothing but run straight into an obvious wall before clutching his head and hastily following the other two. As the Fire Scrubs came, they ran straight, before, suddenly, no ping, no bang, no light, no explosion, they were just simply facing the new direction, a bit like how the weird dog disappeared earlier (see Chapter 5).

"Aiiiiii!!" Joe yelped as one of the Fire Scrubs suddenly transformed into a mini Ifrit (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's some weird and supposedly powerful fire god thing). The others stayed in their original forms, however, but that still didn't mean that the three friends could stop running from them.

Eventually, Adam and Joe came to rest on top of the tower. Unfortunately, Joe had been incinerated by a Fire Scrub, his solemn ashes lying delicately in the middle of the cursed town.

"I… hate Fire… Scrubs…" Adam panted.

"Hey… look…" Theo wheezed, pointing at a rag doll with Majora's Mask. The sound of a child laughing creepily emanated from absolutely nowhere.

_A few minutes later_

The rag doll was writhing around on the ground, still laughing in a horrifyingly eerie way.

"MAKE IT SHUT UP!!" Adam screamed, stuffing two hands-free phones into his ears. He quickly made it play some music, which unfortunately did not work. Adam's face quickly changed it's expression to one of horror as he was forced to watch and listen to the rag doll laughing.

Theo had swiftly committed suicide. Joe was still in ashes. And Adam was quickly dying.

**I apologise, as it has been over 2 weeks since I wrote the last sentence of this fanfics. You see, ironically, my computer broke on the first day of end-of-term. I now have one day left, with a fixed computer (partly updated with a new antivirus, service pack and whatnot) and a new monitor. When putting the big tower part of the computer back where it belonged, I accidentally smashed my monitor and somehow got away with it (thank god!!). I'm now using my dad's monitor. It's a flat screen, unlike my old one, meaning it's a heck of a lot easier to break, and a pain to fit on my desk. But, I suppose, if I'm careful then I won't have to worry about delaying progress on my fanfics, will I?**

**Spyromaster64**

**P.S. Ugh. I'm having so much trouble on Animal Crossing… I'm boring you all now, so back to the story…**

Adam was just on the verge of dying when a bright light brought him away from the fatal noise. When his vision de-blurred itself, he was in front of the Chronicler, with a live Joe and a live Theo beside him.

"… what happened?" Joe asked. He was slightly singed. The Chronicler sighed.

"Your time in Termina is up, unfortunately," he muttered.

"So, where next?" Theo asked eagerly.

"Hyrule."

"Not again!!" Adam yelled.

"In the Minish Cap."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Theo practically choked.

"Tough," said the Chronicler. "You're going."

"Bed-time, first!!" Joe shouted excitedly, jumping into a bed. "Make it rain pie!!" The Chronicler scowled, this time baring his teeth menacingly. He made it rain ten thousand pies, all onto Joe.

"Yay, pie!!" came a muffled voice from under all the pie.

**So, uh… yeah. That's Chapter 9 for you. **

**Anyway… later. :) **

**Spyromaster64**


	10. The Flippish Cap

**The Chapter name says it all! The Minish Cap is here! Fear all pancakes!**

**Spyromaster64**

Chapter 10 - The Flippish Cap

"I can't wait!" Theo said excitedly. "I've never played The Minish Cap before!"

"It was brilliant. For a Game Boy Advance game, I mean," Adam sighed. "I wonder which one of us will have to wear Ezlo."

"Ooh, pick me, pick me!!" Joe yelled in a childish way.

"Believe me, he's really annoying. You'll hate it." Joe suddenly fell silent. "Chronicler, how long till we leave?"

"Zero hours, zero minutes and zero seconds!" the Chronicler trilled before the three boys were warped away to god knows where.

_A long, long time ago… _

_When the world was on the verge of being swallowed by shadow…_

_The tiny Picori appeared from the sky, bringing the hero of men a sword and a golden light. _

_With wisdom and courage, the hero drove out the darkness. _

_When peace had been restored, the people enshrined that blade with care. _

The camera turned back on at a place that looked like a farm. It floated over to view a girl with horrifyingly large breasts and sweet, golden hair walking down a path towards this… farm place thingy. She was wearing a dress that had so much pink on it, no-one could look at it without losing their sanity.

She walked into a the house, where an old geezer in green was hitting a sword with a hammer, grumbling something along the lines of 'I hate turnips. I hate turnips'.

"Good morning, Master Smith."

"Goodness me! Princess Zelda!" The old man stared eagerly at her breasts. "Did you sneak out of the castle all alone? Without Spirit Tracks Link to distract the guards…? How the hell was that possible?!" Zelda ignored him slightly.

"Oh, I just drugged them all. Where's Link?" she asked, sounding more interested now. "I was wondering if he and I would like to go to the Annual Hyrule Event of Nothingness together…" Master Smith was still staring at her female parts. He hadn't looked up since.

"I was up late raping him last night-- uh, I mean, he was helping me. Yeah. LIIIIINK!!"

The camera now showed Minish Cap Link, but without his hat.

"Yawn." He actually said the word 'yawn'. Then suddenly, for absolutely no reason, he inflated rapidly and exploded. Now in his place were Adam, Joe and Theo, all wearing their respective Link costumes. Theo and Joe had hats, meanwhile Adam did not have one.

"Damn it!!" he yelled.

"Might as well go downstairs," Theo sighed.

When the three friends reached the bottom of the stairs, however, everything was seriously different from earlier.

It was an endoscope level from the new Trauma Team game on Wii. A map of the digestive system had appeared, and an endoscope the size of a mega bazooka was poking out from a hole in the ceiling. This meant that Adam, Joe and Theo were in someone's stomach.

"Aww, shit!!" Adam kicked a stomach wall, causing the patient to lose many vitals and getting whoever was playing it very angry. The first thing Joe noticed was how much this person's stomach looked like outer space. It looked like a scene from Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, or at least something similar.

"… that is too strange for comfort," Theo pointed out, as a train thundered along the bottom of the stomach towards them, hitting walls on sharp turns as it went. The patient was now dangerously low on vitals, causing the player to panic, and make them start pulling out other 'surgery' tools, such as rubber ducks and condoms.

"Who are you?" Theo asked as the train came to a halt before them. A midget dressed in a green tunic and hair that wasn't even blonde, it was yellow, jumped out of the locomotive. He was followed by a fat, female ghost who was wielding a non-existent shotgun and wearing a sign used in marathons that said, 'I AM LARA CROFT!!'.

"My name's Link," the midget greeted, holding out his hand. Adam took it and shook it.

"My name's Adam," he replied. "And this is Joe and Theo." Joe walked up to shake the fat ghost's hand, but she stared at it as if it was an alien device.

"… what do you want, you strange little boy?" she murmured.

"She's Princess Zelda!" Link trilled happily.

"… that's a good thing?" Theo muttered under his breath.

"Yup!" Link had somehow heard him.

"… what a retard…"

"Can you take us back to Hyrule?" Adam asked, ignoring his companion's last statement.

"Yeah, but it'll cost you ten rupees." Adam gave him the one cent. "Great! All aboard!" Adam stared. He had honestly not expected that to work a second time. Link noticed his expression. "What are you looking at? … is my skid mark showing through…?"

"Oh, erm, nothing," Adam said quickly, as they all jumped aboard the train.

"CHOO CHOO!!" Link screamed wildly as they set off. The sound waves caused the patient's vitals to fall to zero, resulting in their death. The screen said 'failure', and the player was just on the verge of losing their mental vitals.

After a crazy train ride involving dead Moinks and Hylians wearing condoms, Adam got his coin back somehow and the three friends departed from the station in Hyrule Town and went over to a strange woman with a Cucco pen.

"Hi," said Theo.

"Bonjour," the woman replied glumly. "My Cuccos have run away…"

"Why?" Adam asked.

"Well, I was going to roast them for Christmas Dinner… but why did they run?! Did they not want to be eaten, like most Cuccos?!"

"Actually, Cuccos run on instinct. … and commit murder on instinct. But that's besides the point, what do you want us to do about it?" The woman's eyes turned a ghastly red.

"EAT THEM!!"

"… I'm… I'm sorry…?!" Adam spluttered.

"I SAID, EAT THEM!!"

"W-wha…?!"

"Well, go on, then! Get a shuffle on!" She shooed the trio away to the center of the town.

"What a weird old lady," Theo commented. "Do you think she really meant 'eat them'?" Joe nodded.

"She did seem quite certain."

"Better go do it, then," Adam sighed. Theo and Joe shot him looks of utter horror. Adam was confused for a moment, but then realised why they were like this. "Ugh, sick-minded lunatics!!" he yelled. "I didn't mean that!!" The two sighed with a lot of relief.

It was a couple of hours before they could find the first Cucco. When they did, it was Theo's turn to eat it.

"Here goes…" His mouth turned huge as he ate it in one go. "Hey, not ba--" He was suddenly cut short as he exploded, blood and guts flying everywhere. The Cucco was making normal Cucco noises and looking around as normal. Adam and Joe stared in horror as they realised how impossibly painful this task was going to be.

"Here!!" Adam yelled as he quickly threw up the last Cucco before exploding in a torrent of blood and other… things.

"Thanks, here's your reward!" The woman gave 20 rupees to Joe, the only person left alive.

"Erm, cheers," Joe thanked her. "Uh, let's see, green is one, blue is five, red is… heeeeey, twenty rupees?! You've got to be fucking kidding m--" Joe never finished his sentence. The woman had suddenly turned into a Tae Kwon Do pro and was using mad ninja skillz on Joe.

The black-haired boy backed away, clutching his heavily-damaged balls in extreme pain.

"YOU GET MY INVESTMENT FOR YOUR INVENTION NEVAH!!" she yelled quickly before she turned even crazier.

"Okay, I'm voting for the 'Never-Go-Back-To-That-Fucking-Bitch-Ever-Again Party,'" Adam confirmed, ticking a box on a polling card.

"Agreed," Joe and Theo chimed in unison, doing the same. They threw the cards into the polling station as they walked past.

After a while, Adam stopped.

"Y'know, maybe I should've voted for the Monster Raving Loony Party…"

"Let's just get a move on, already!" Theo muttered, he and Joe dragging Adam up to Hyrule Castle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" shouted King Darius Mother Fucker Whatever His Name Is Hyrule. He couldn't bear the agony. The cold, stone eyes of his beloved daughter were still so full of life… he just couldn't let that disappear, at least.

"Your Majesty!" He whirled around to see three travellers in tunics before him, two of which were bowing, the other in the sky blue tunic staring at Zelda's breasts.

"KNEEL!!" Adam hissed, louder than last time, before stabbing a sharp knife into Joe's already-mauled nuts, causing him to fall to the ground completely. Adam and Theo stood up.

"King Darius Mother Fucker Whatever His Name Is Hyrule (fear him or be impaled on a stick, uggy uggy uggy, ugh ugh ugh)," Theo announced. "We have come to fuck your dau-- uh, I mean, we have come to save your daughter! … from virginity!" King Darius Mother Fucker Whatever His Name Is Hyrule smiled before morphing into Ezlo in his Cursed Form.

"DAMNIT!!" Adam screamed as King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina leapt upon his head.

"Hey! Listen! Hey! Watch out! Blue!" he yelled, sounding horribly like Navi.

"… does this mean that we have to go and grab four elements to fuse into a sword now?" Joe groaned, standing up. Adam sighed.

"Yes, it does," he muttered before Ezlo grabbed his hair in his beak, and pulled it hard. "SHIT!!" Adam hit Ezlo with the back of his fist, knocking him unconscious. The sound of a child laughing came.

"That won't do you any good. Hee hee." It was Skull Kid's voice; strange, seeing as they had already left Majora's Mask.

After falling through a random black hole in the ground, Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves in a painfully small room. A thing wearing the remains of the first boss, Odolwa, from Majora's Mask, was standing in the middle of the room.

"… you found me. Um… I want more masks…" the thing said. Adam threw the one cent at it.

"He he… you're nice…" Adam slapped his forehead. "Um… can I ask a question? The friends you have… what are… they like?"

"But we're right here!" Theo said, confused.

"… can I have my 'mask' back, now?" The thing handed the coin over.

"He he… you're nice…" it repeated.

"THERE YOU ARE!!" yelled a voice. Glitchquil dropped down from the ceiling in an Indiana Jones costume.

"Glitchquil!" Joe gasped, over-exaggerating slightly. Glitchquil turned.

"Oh, hi." He turned back to the thing with Odolwa's head. "I'LL GET YOU!!" He got out his whip and struck the thing.

"He he… you're nice…" Glitchquil stared.

"What? … never mind, anyway, YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!!"

"Sorry to interrupt," Adam apologised, "But what are you doing here?"

"You see that… thing?" Glitchquil pointed at it, finding it difficult to frame the correct word. "It's not meant to exist. It's actually a secret mafia experiment which was contained in Area 51. It was originally a clone of Simon Cowell, but then some fatal epidemic broke loose and fucked it up, quite badly." He indicated to the thing, which was now performing an Irish Tap Dance on top of one of the boxes in the room whilst singing the Teletubbies theme tune. "So, I highly recommend we grab the bastard and get him back to Area 51 as soon as possible." He had barely spoken all the words before the group heard a crash nearby.

"… what was that?" Joe asked cautiously. Glitchquil bared his teeth.

"Damn it! I thought I'd lost that thing…" A giant boulder dropped from the ceiling and crushed the… thing. Glitchquil's eyes widened. "Oh, bugger!" He grabbed the hand of the thing from under the boulder and pulled it out, before stuffing the thing into a plastic bag somehow. He then shoved that into a ridiculously tiny box and put that box into another box, like Russian dolls. Then, he finally put it into his rucksack.

By now, the boulder had already started rolling their way.

"Shit!!" Adam yelled. "Run!!" The four of them found themselves in a big room which resembled Woodfall Temple, with several rotating logs and a giant chasm. At both ends of each log, there was a Deku Flower.

Adam removed a Deku Scrub mask from his inventory and was about to place it onto his face, when Glitchquil grabbed his hand and lowered it, without looking away from the only route out.

"Quickly!!" he yelled as he formed a bridge of glitch energy.

"Yaaaaay!" Theo sang happily as he ran across it. The moment he set his first foot on it, it was turned into a whole legion of horribly-ordered pixels. "GAHH!!"

"No, you retard!! That's not for running on!!" Joe shouted.

"I think I've pretty much found that out," Theo gulped as he pulled his leg out of the energy. … well, it wasn't even a leg anymore. In fact, no-one knew what the hell it was.

"Can we just get a move on?" Adam muttered. "I think Ezlo's woken up." The cap on his head had indeed awoken and yelling the 5 most annoying phrases in the universe, much louder than normal.

"HEY!! LISTEN!! BLUE!! LOOK!! HEY!! BLUE!! WATCH OUT!! BLUE!! LISTEN!! HEY!! LOOK!! LISTEN!! BLUE!!" Everyone cringed from the noise. Even the boulder, which was dangerously near the group, had stopped for a moment to protect it's non-existent ears from the noise.

"Now's our chance!" Glitchquil yelped, leaping across the hole canyon in one jump.

"How the bloody mother fuck on the earth below did you manage to do that?!" Theo screamed. His leg (if it was a leg, anyway) was still in very bad shape. Quite literally.

"Cheats," Glitchquil replied. "Hey, this is a cracked version of the game. You'll be fine." Adam gulped as he ran and jumped. Joe followed, and Theo hobbled. He didn't actually need to jump; he just walked on midair. But, so did the boulder. … uh, at least, it _rolled _on midair.

"I think we can take a quick breather…" Glitchquil panted. The other three had collapsed.

"What the fuck do you mean 'quick' breather?!" Adam spluttered. "We've just ran 4, 600 bloody miles!! From a dungeon on Termina's badly constipated moon to Hyrule Castle Town!! We deserve 932 marathon medals for that!! And what do these locals sit around doing? Selling vegetables, talking about Picori and raping kids!!"

"SHUT UP!!" Glitchquil roared. "I'M THE ANTAGONIST, REMEMBER?!" Adam, Joe and Theo couldn't care less; they were tired enough as it was.

(Un)fortunately for them, a travelling monk with a purple garment, a staff and some hole embedded in the palm of one of his hands came along. He saw Glitchquil and rubbed his hands together excitedly. He strolled over.

"Beautiful girl, will you bear my child?" Adam's face darkened.

"Not… you… again…"

"Who's that?" Theo asked.

"It's that perverted retard monk from InuYasha," Joe muttered. "I have no idea why the fuck he's here in Hyrule."

"I like cheese!" the monk squealed. "Cheesy cheesy cheese!" Everyone stared at him for a brief moment.

"Anyway," Glitchquil sighed, "I'm a male."

"I'm multi-sexual (I forgot the word)!" the monk warbled. "I want to fuck you! And you!" He pointed at Adam, who looked just as dumbstruck as everyone else. "And everyone! In fact, I want to fuck the world!" He did a dodgy action every time he said 'fuck'.

"Sorry, but the administrator is unavailable." Joe said in a male phone operator's voice. "If you would like to die by self-destruction, press 1. If you would like to die from a heart attack, press 2. If you would like to drown, press 3. If you would like to suck a poisonous dick, press 4. If you would like to watch the Johnny Condom thingie, press 5." The monk got his fully-formed hand out flat and press every button at once on the phone that had randomly appeared.

Joe and Glitchquil grinned evilly before the monk was transported away. In his place was some fat guy with a hat.

"Praise be to--" he began as a jingle bells sound came from nowhere. The instrument I mean, not the music.

"Yeah, whatever, can you just tell us what we have to do next?" Adam muttered. "It's like one of those times when I get to a good bit, have to turn off, have no time to go back on for like, a month, and when I get back on I have no idea what I was supposed to do. And if it's Animal Crossing, then I go totally insane because I've missed loads of events."

"Praise be to--" was the guy's only attempted reply, but he was cut short again.

"If you have a Japanese name, I'm going to kill you," Adam said darkly. "I'm not being racist, but Japanese names are… so… hard… to remember…" His left eye twitched slightly. "Anyway, continue."

"Praise--"

"Can you please stop saying that?!" Theo yelled.

"I don't think we're supposed to be in InuYasha until later," Adam commented, kicking a rock, which was sent flying into a random house's window, ultimately causing it to smash. Several shards dropped below into the bodies of some ReDeads, which admittedly weren't supposed to be there anyway.

"At least Mikoru's gone," Joe murmured.

"You mean the monk dude?"

"Praise be to--" the guy said impatiently.

"WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BUDDHA THING?!" Theo screamed.

"… you know what, I quit," the guy muttered sulkily. "Bad pay, bad job, bad spectators… I hate my life. I am the weakest link. Goodbye." He took out a swiss army knife (a strange thing for a religious person to be carrying, especially one that lives in feudal Japan) and promptly plunged the blade into his heart.

As the body fell limp, the four travellers stared at it.

"What should we do with the body?" asked Joe.

"Think like Snake," Glitchquil murmured, kicking randomly-appearing leaves over the body, like in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.

After convincing a horrifyingly horny girl that they did not want her milk (let's just say that it didn't come from the cows), Adam, Joe, Theo and Glitchquil came to a strange stump on the east side of Hyrule Town. It was supposed to be an overturned jar, but having Glitchquil around seemed to change things significantly, seeing as the stump was blue, red and green, complete with yellow and purple spots and grey stripes. It was slightly too shiny for comfort.

By now, King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina had come to his non-existent senses.

"HEY!! LISTEN!! HEY!! WATCH OUT!! BLUE!!" Adam was dangerously close to getting a restraining order against the freaky thing that was the green hat/bird/thing on his head.

"Maybe we can use this for…" Theo pondered for a moment, "… something."

"Okay. Let's use it for something." Adam hopped up onto the stump with the others. "Ezlo?" Ezlo turned his head and began to sing, to everyone's epic misfortune, the Teletubbies theme song. Even worse, he was singing it horribly out of tune, not to mention earth-shatteringly loud.

Adam felt his head explode as he and his companions were shrunk down to Minish size.

"Yaaaaay!!" Joe trilled. "Now we can go and kill microscopic things!!" He began to laugh evilly as he stabbed microbes, parasites and other strange, slightly disturbing-looking things with his sword.

"That's not going to help us get four elements," Adam sighed. Glitchquil grinned.

"No, but we do have cheats and glitches on our side…"

"… which we can't control."

"We can! Well, at least, I can. Go back to normal size for some sleep, or something."

"But we've only just got here," Theo protested, confused. Glitchquil's eyes opened, the irises a deep, blood red. "… okay," he whimpered as they were returned to their normal size, warped away and Ezlo temporarily banished to the dark realms, where insane Teletubby demons that had totally black eyes (iris, pupils, whites, the whole bloody thing) and were the size of Godzilla roamed. King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina did not stand a hope in hell's chance. But then again, who didn't?

"I'm bored of Hyrule," Adam sighed from his bed in his house. He had to share the building with Joe, Theo and Glitchquil. "I hope InuYasha comes soon."

"Spyromaser64 told me that we've got plenty in between now and InuYasha," Glitchquil informed him. "Pokémon, The Legend of Spyro, Star Fox, Sonic the Hedgehog, Lara Croft Tomb Raider, Spectrobes… I could honestly go on for longer than mental health hazard limits will permit me."

"… shit," was Adam's only reply.

"Got more Hyrule and retarded girls trying to sell their own breast milk, tomorrow." Theo exhaled smoothly, relaxing in his soft, comfortable bed.

"… and more King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina. God help you, Ad--" Joe began.

"Don't even go there. Spyromaster64 will probably make something out of it that will cause trouble, or something like that," Glitchquil warned. Sure enough, angry mobs were already forming at an extraordinarily rapid pace outside of Adam's home.

"… _huh?" Joe looked around. "Where am I?" Something caught his eye on a table in the middle of the room."_

"_OMG CAKE PIE ICE CREAM" screamed Joe, flailing his arms about wildly. His eyes had gone red, and were pointing in totally separate directions. He ran over to it. _

"_Don't even think about it!! That cake is MINE!!" yelled a voice as some teenager in a horrifyingly huge and loose red garment hopped down from a tree. He had silver hair and dog ears. _

_Any Zelda fan would've recognised this room as the Water Temple room in which the player battled Dark Link in _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_. _

"_My ass it's yours!!" Joe shrieked as he drew his lightsaber (WTF?!). InuYasha, instead of drawing his sword like any normal person would do, instead put on a highly constipated face. There was a pop sound as he placed his hand behind his backside. When his hand came back into view again, it was holding a lightsaber. _

"_RED LIGHTSABER!!" he screamed, activating it. Joe did the same; his was green. _

_After a violent battle, Joe was at the boy's throat. _

"_Joe…" he wheezed. "That cake… is your father…" _

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Joe threw his head back, screaming this word without any breaths for god knows how long. _

Joe sat up straight.

"… okay … that… was strange…" he commented slowly.

The following morning, King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina was, rather unfortunately, brought back from the dark realms. It seemed the evil Teletubby demons had taken their toll on the worn-out old hat. Alas, this did not stop him from annoying everyone with his ridiculously loud voice.

"HEY!! LISTEN!! HE--" Adam, Joe and Theo, quite fed up with the bastard, picked up Ezlo from Adam's head and the three of them tossed him off into the void beneath them.

"Thank god he's gone," Joe gasped. He had barely finished before Ezlo shot down from the void above. He landed back on Adam's head again, still yelling highly irritating phrases non-stop.

"… so… that thing from Chapter 2 that hit me in the head…" Adam began slowly, pulling out the one cent. "… was this piece of metal shit?!" Glitchquil nodded.

"Don't ask me why, but don't forget that this is the Game Engine. Random things do happen here, especially since that robot blew up and I glitched up Joe with the power of ultimate nut-hammohn-rusaring." Adam eyed the Pokémon maliciously, then realised something.

"Oh, yeah! I was going to do this ages ago, but I forgot." He pulled out a Pokédex.

"Cyndaquil, the HUTSUGI Pokémon. It likes to piss on cheese and trifles with Mirokus and chips. It will crap in your pants if you try to eat it. They swarm in Route Eldest and wreak havoc by shooting the pie with a nee-naw-nee-naw-whoo-whoo-whoo. If you get too close to it, it will fuck you without hesitation. They travel in groups of glitchyglitchyglitchy ten billion gazillion bajillion and must eat cheese every ten seconds or they will be licensed by Mary Muck Fuck."

For a few moments, everyone stared at the Pokédex.

"Once I've figured out what the hell that thing's just said… is all of that true?" Theo asked. Glitchquil shook his head.

"No, except for the 'fuck without hesitation' part." Adam, Joe and Theo immediately began scrambling over each other to get as far away as possible. They left the area through the west exit and found themselves coming back in again, but this time through the east exit.

"Argh, damn you, Pacman!!" Joe cursed.

"Pikachu, the motherfuck Pokémon," the Pokédex read aloud. "It is a dildo and it will wank you if you try to piss on it's tail. The only way to survive is to fuck it!!" Everyone paused again.

"Maybe we should just get rid of the bloody thing," Glitchquil suggested. Adam was about to toss it over the edge of the platform as hard as physically possible when Theo intervened.

"Hey, uh, wouldn't it just come back again?"

"… good point. I guess we're stuck with it, for now," Joe muttered. Adam whimpered sadly as he was forced to put the Pokédex back, unscathed.

"I wanna maul it…" he sighed, slightly upset. Joe whacked him round the head and shook him by the shoulders.

"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!" he screamed, still violently shaking Adam. "IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR MANHOOD!!" Adam stopped staring nervously for just long enough to say,

"How would I lose my manhood?"

"I DON'T KNOW, DAMMIT!!" Joe continued to scream. "JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE THE POKÉDEX ALONE!!"

"Joe, the bastard Pokémon. His mother is--"

"Okay, let's kill it."

One fatal 'accident' later involving a horny Pokédex, a sledgehammer and an out-of-control midget from outer space (don't ask), Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves packing their own bags, and, reluctantly, Glitchquil's.

"Look lively, lads!" Glitchquil cheered. "Off to Hyrule again!"

"And you're saying I should give a flying fuck about it?" Theo muttered menacingly through clenched teeth. He had just finished zipping up the 238th briefcase. Glitchquil frowned.

"Come on, you're not even anywhere near a 2089th of the way through, yet!" The three boys groaned. Adam picked himself up from the middle of several huge piles of baggage.

"How the heck do you plan on carting all of this crap around?!" he yelled.

"Shut up!" Glitchquil hissed. Adam, Joe and Theo wailed for the next ten minutes, fed up of having to pack infinity bags. Glitchquil rolled his eyes. "Good god…"

**So… that's Chapter 10. **

**Why 10 Chapters and only 17 reviews? :(**

**I've noticed the only story I had that actually earned a decent amount of reviews was my fanfic, 'Spyro: even more Truth or Dare', which was taken down by the Fanfiction admin. (sigh) AND it was the longest Spyro Truth or Dare on Fanfiction. **

**Anyway, I'm aiming on making future chapters slightly longer.**

**Thanks for support on this fanfic, people like FoxMcCloud7921 and all for reviewing. **

**I would like to advertise Kattheamazing's fanfic, 'The Legend of Humor: Twilight Princess'. It'll probably get you more laughs than this fanfic will, so check it out. **

**I apologise for my slow updating. School is making my life… uh, how to frame the words… hmm… screw it, fucking awful. So, I have very little time to update. But I'll try my best anyway.**

**I'm getting hyper for the summer break, because it means I can go totally insane on this fanfic and spend more time on it, getting it updated for you guys more. **

**But to help me get more reviews, if there's someone you know who you think might like this fanfic, please tell them about it! **

**The last chapter only got… (sighs) one review. **

**I'm boring you now. I know it. Everyone hates long author notes. People would use their evil freaky psychic powers on them, if they could. So, I'll try to finish up quickly. **

**If you're wondering about the sudden rise of InuYasha in this story… well, it's kinda my new favorite game. And TV series. I played _InuYasha: Secret of the Divine Jewel_ and I've been hooked on it ever since.**

**So, uh, I'll start working on Chapter 11 and all.**

**See you.**

**Spyromaster64**


	11. Horny Ezlo

**Alright, I admit I've kinda thrown my original chapter plans in the bin and resurrected a new, edited version. I've decided against writing 'A Link to the Ass', originally planned to be Chapter 14, mainly because _The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past_ was one of my least favorites in the franchise, and I haven't played much of it. To be honest, I found it to be a rather boring game. **

_**Ocarina of Time**_**, ****_Majora's Mask_, _Phantom Hourglass_, _The Minish Cap_, _Twilight Princess_ and _Spirit Tracks_ are all a completely different story, however. **

**Also, a could-be name for the upcoming Zelda game for Wii, the sequel to _Twilight Princess_, has been released. Yayz! _The Legend of Zelda: Valley of the Flood_. Hm.**

**And Ubisoft have given us exclusive gameplay footage of the upcoming _Beyond Good and Evil _2 game! … which the bastards have only made available on Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, both of which I don't have… **

**Spyromaster64**

Chapter 11 - Horny Ezlo

"So…" Joe began. "We have to run around inside this 'temple'…" Joe pointed at a building the size of a CTR Monitor (those are the old fat ones), "And collect an element?"

"Yup," Spyromaster64 nodded.

They were stuck in the middle of the Minish Woods, by the entrance to a temple that was smaller than themselves.

"Maybe we can use that shrinky thing!" suggested Theo.

"It's called a Minish Portal," Adam sighed. The three of them hopped on the stump. "Aren't you coming, Glitchquil?"

"No," Glitchquil answered, getting ready to teleport away. "I'm the antagonist, and the only reason I went with you guys is because I needed you to help me get this bastard off the moon." He indicated to his bag, where the thing was located (see chapter 10).

"Right. See you," said Joe, before he, Adam and Theo were shrunk down to Minish size.

"Right, Adam, you've played this game before. What the hell do we do now?" asked Theo, staring at a giant barrel.

"Go inside and run around, I suppose," he sighed. Ezlo hopped up.

"Mm-hm!" he trilled. "Let me fuck you!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… HEY! LISTEN! HEY! WATCH OUT! BLUE!" He began to sing the Teletubbies theme tune dreadfully awful again. There was a flash of light as they were warped away to somewhere.

A few moments later, Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves tumbling head-over-heels through the air, before finally crashing painfully into a huge, warm, snug mountain of horse shit.

Joe immediately recognised the smell and quickly stumbled out, Theo got a jetpack from out of nowhere (which somehow didn't explode from all of the methane) and flew out, while Adam just sank.

"Where am I?" Adam was now in a huge, high-temperature realm of brown stuff. Phantom Hourglass Link was a couple of feet away from him, seemingly either on few hearts or with serious brain damage.

"You're in Horse Shit Land!" he warbled. "This is the Southern Crap Temple!"

"… what?"

"The Southern Crap Temple!" the brain-dead boy laughed disturbingly. "Ooh, look, Eurgh, the Spirit of Diarrhoea!" A brown fairy floated along, minding it's own business, before it found itself being grabbed by Link.

Suddenly, everything was transformed into a cutscene from _The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass_. While, truthfully, the fairy was trying desperately to escape and get away in a flurry of total confusion, it looked like it was flying around Link. The midget boy grabbed the fairy and laughed in joy, before viciously rubbing the poor ball of light into his private area. He didn't stop for about five minutes. To be honest, he didn't actually stop; Adam had just run away by then, so the knowledge of how long he did this for was beyond everyone, even the author. … well, except for one person who was eyeing the scene intently. She had green lips and black hair, but the rest of her was concealed in the shadows of the shit that made up the landscape. She took a photo with her camera.

"Pey'j might be interested," she whispered to herself, looking at the picture of the kid. She looked back up only the see the boy now on his knees, violently raping the almost-dead fairy, his mouth wide open in a huge grin.

Jade grimaced and turned away to go and take pictures of retarded aliens without their helmets on, which was supposed to be her current objective, anyway.

Adam sank back up (exactly the same as sinking, but when someone's pressed the rewind button) and hopped out of the crap, now smelling, rather ridiculously, like lemons and lime.

"I'm back," he said cheerfully. "I just had to watch a boy using a fairy to masturbate…" He shuddered slightly. "Any sign of Ezlo? He's not on my head." Joe pointed into the brown substance, where a mental health hazard hat was stuck, drowning fast.

"Hi han who hey who!" came the gurgling voice. Theo whipped out his translator-thingy.

"Disturbing Green Hat says - 'I want to rape you!'" reported the translator-thingy. Adam swallowed hard.

"Maybe we should just leave him here," he suggested. Joe and Theo stared at his head. Adam whimpered slightly as his eyes slowly turned upwards. There, to his horror, was the randomly-appearing hat that had been the horse shit only a few seconds ago. It stank to the high heavens of oil for some strange reason.

"Why is it that whenever we try to do something, we're almost always interrupted by teleportation or midgets who travel with fat ghosts?" Theo yelled at no-one in particular.

"One question," Joe suddenly piped up, "What controls the camera other than the right analog stick?" The three of them turned to the camera.

"… why is there an albatross staring at us?" Adam murmured.

"It's a STALKER BIRD!" Theo screamed, flailing his arms about madly before launching himself back into the shit, only to bounce right back out again for some random reason. Joe got out a shotgun and blew up the bird.

The player's screen went blank, before spurring back into life again a couple of seconds later.

"It respawned!" Adam wailed. "WHY?" Joe kicked the bird. The screen flickered.

"This stalker bird IS the camera."

"What the hell?"

"No, it's not the camera," said Spyromaster64, randomly appearing. "I just thought it would be funny as hell."

"No-one's laughing," Theo pointed out.

"Yes, I realised," the Fanfiction god replied glumly. "Anyway, that's not the camera. It's just a stalker bird."

"So why is it here?" Adam shouted in despair.

"Because it's a stalker!" Spyromaster64 yelled back.

"But it's a _bird_!"

"And it also loves to rape people!"

"You have a sick mind," Theo commented, turning away.

"Thank you." Spyromaster64 smiled. "Anyway, Ezlo is, quite obviously, excessively horny."

"So what do we do?" Joe asked.

"Go on some randomly not-so-epic quest to the land of cheese, I suppose." Spyromaster64 shrugged and sighed. "But that would be way too strange."

"It wouldn't be any different," Joe muttered.

"Now, how about you take Ezlo, and we-" Adam was cut short as Spyromaster64 raised a hand, seemingly holding an invisible sphere. Adam began to choke.

"Your lack of faith. It is disturbing." Spyromaster64 held the non-existent sphere tighter, and Adam lost more of his breath. Eventually, the Fanfiction God released his hold, and Adam fell to his knees, coughing and spluttering. "So, I'm off," he added cheerfully as if nothing had just happened. There was a dramatic supernova, and then he was gone.

Adam, Joe and Theo just stared at the pieces of broken time and space floating in front of them. They then stared at the horny green hat/bird/thing. A few seconds later, King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina was drowning in shit.

"Horse Crap-aya, the answer to all of our problemas!" Theo trilled, randomly in a Mexican costume. He held two maracas in his hand, which were, strangely, bearing large spikes that stuck out of the spheres on top.

"Where now?" asked Joe. Adam shrugged, whipping out a Hollow Pen (from Time Hollow).

"Hmm, maybe we should go back to the game engine." The pen suddenly just disappeared.

"Simples!" came Spyromaster64's voice from the skies.

… **hmm. **

**Well, I apologise for that… very short chapter, but I'm planning a big role for Glitchquil in the next one to make up for this. **

**Anyway, I must correct myself for the new Zelda video game's name from earlier. It's actually _The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Sword_. Strange name, and the new graphics look considerably like some kind of a cartoon, but it's unique for a Wii Zelda, I suppose. **

**Also, a remake of _Ocarina of Time_ will soon be released for the 3DS, along with remakes of _Star Fox 64_ and _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater_. **

**So, uh, yeah. Look out for the next chapter and all. **

**Spyromaster64**


	12. Kinstones

**Holy frick on a stick! … no, wait, that's Kattheamazing's, uh… Stick a on frick holy! … no… ah, I've got it! ALMIGHTY EXPLODING CHEESE! There we go. Anyway…**

**Almighty Exploding Cheese! It's been god only knows how long since I last updated! Jeez… Maybe I should work on this a little harder…**

… **I was going to call this chapter 'Randomness Unleashed' or something like that, but this was the chapter name in my original chapter plans. **

Chapter 12 - Kinstones

"Kinstones are good! Eat them!" warbled an incredibly fat man standing in the middle of Hyrule Town.

"IT'S A BLOODY STONE!" Glitchquil shrieked. "WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?" The man continued to sing badly and out-of-tune.

"Well, there's Glitchquil," Theo pointed out as they walked through the east entrance into the town.

"Again. I wonder what's he's doing." Adam picked up a rock and threw it hard at Glitchquil to get his attention. It was a perfect throw, until it randomly arced to the left and shot into the fat man's balls. He died instantly on contact.

"Oh. You three again," Glitchquil sighed. "How was your walk in the woods?"

"Know anything about the Land of Horse Shit?" Adam asked agitatedly.

"Well, Horse Shit Land, yes." Glitchquil fiddled with a gun in his hands he was about to use on the fat man before a rock killed him. "It's the embodiment of all things excreted."

"Who the hell came up with that idea? … no, wait, I know the answer already."

"Anyway, not nice to see you again. The… THING has gone back into major rehab, where it will spend the rest of it's life licking it's dick and viciously gnawing on bones with spikes sticking out of them."

"So, it's gone?" Adam asked hopefully. Glitchquil nodded.

"But then we still have the problem of… that." He slowly pointed at a creature with red eyes that was sat in the corner.

"… meh," Adam murmured. Glitchquil lifted the gun for no reason and shot Adam and Theo in the balls.

"Yes!" Joe cheered triumphantly, punching the air with his fist. "My balls weren't-" He was cut short as his privates were blasted by the pistol. All three of them fell to the ground, gasping for air.

"Why… did you…" Adam rasped. Glitchquil shrugged.

"Dunno. Anyway, maybe you should explore a bit more."

"But what about… that?" Theo pointed at the new strange… thing… in the shadows.

"Ah, I'll throw it in a lake or something. Have fun, kiddies!" Glitchquil walked off, completely forgetting the new… thing.

The weird creature looked up suddenly.

"… will you play with me…?" it asked, somewhat creepily.

"It's just like the last one," Adam sighed, getting up. "Flipping brilliant."

"… will you play… with my dick…?" Everyone stared at it.

"Okay, maybe not so much the same," Adam corrected himself.

"I… I want… to… um… PLAAAAAAY!" the… _thing_ roared ferociously, before instantly bursting into a ridiculously fatal inferno of flames.

Joe dodged a few embers by going _between_.

"… what the hell is _between_ supposed to mean? Bloody _Dragons of Pern_ books…" Theo muttered under his breath.

After swiftly materialising again (I really don't know what _between_ means in that book series, so I'll just imagine that it makes you… disappear, or something…), Joe joined Adam and Theo in running and screaming.

"Darn, flip, ducking toaster!" Adam wailed, before a green circle of light randomly appeared about twenty feet away from our victi- uh, I mean, heroes. It then, with an explosion of wind (baked beans kind), it morphed into a swirling jet black and dark purple portal. A young man with manga-like black hair stepped out of it.

"I am Ethan Kairos!" he declared. "I am here to-" He was cut short as his head was severed by the blades of a toy helicopter that was conveniently passing by. It was being controlled by a midget with a machine gun. He was, rather disturbingly, laughing in a very evil way. Joe tapped a randomly-appearing badge on his shirt.

"Joe to Voyager, Joe to Voyager! We are under attack by a flaming thing and over-playful midgets!"

"This is Captain Janeway," came the reply from the badge. "Now, HOW THE HELL DID I GET INTO THIS FANFIC?"

"You never told me you had contacts with people from the TV!" Adam yelled. "Let alone those from _Star Trek: Voyager_…"

"PLAY… WITH… MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! … BAAAAALLS!" the… y'know… shrieked.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Theo screamed back. "WE'RE GOING TO BE RAPED BY A THINGYMAJIGGY THAT WAS NEVER EVEN SUPPOSED TO EXIST!" The three of them would have wailed, if they had not been incinerated by water. The author then hit himself in the face for making up such an impossible and idiotic sentence ending. He edited it to 'incinerated by grass', which made even less sense.

"Well, at least I finished the Age of Heroes trilogy," Adam sighed as Spyromaster64 struggled to choose a word other than 'fire'. He then looked absolutely mortified. "But… what about… Karma and Convexity…?" he squeaked, panicking. "And I still haven't finished Final Fantasy III on my Nintendo DS, who will feed my puppies on Nintendogs, and for god's sake, WHO WILL LISTEN TO MY MUSIC?" Joe stared at him oddly.

"You have Nintendogs?"

"On my M3 DS Real, yes. My dogs are really irritating, actually… Y'know, those bloody annoying pixels on the screen that sit there whine at you until you throw explosive biscuits at their heads. I would rather prefer a real dog. I ended up giving my black Labrador the name 'Midnigh' because the bloody 't' wouldn't fit on the end… stupid drugged-up game developers…"

"Nintendo were only ever good with Mario, Pokémon and Zelda. The rest? Just disappointing," Theo sighed. Adam looked appalled and disgusted.

"What about Star Fox?" he shrieked. "And Animal Crossing? Although, I do admit that it would've been a heck of a lot sweeter if they'd just sent Resetti into rehab… And one more thing! Why does everyone call him 'Mr. Resetti'? Why the 'Mr', hm? Well?" he yelled to no-one in particular.

"One reason why we should shut the hell up? Anyone?" Joe asked. Theo and Adam looked at each other, shrugging. They then turned back to Joe and shook their heads. Joe clasped his hands together. "Brilliant! Then shoop-da-woop, COPYRIGHTING TIME, FOLLOWED BY A NUT-KICKING RAMPAGE AND AN EVERLASTING VERSION OF OUR THEME SONG!"

"YEAAH!" Theo and Adam cheered triumphantly.

"… wait. We don't have a theme tune," Adam pointed out.

"Awwww…" Theo looked incredibly disappointed. He had barely stopped making any noise before a small red object thundered down viciously from the sky. It, like the stone thrown at the start of this chapter, arced at the last second and shot into the back of Adam's head.

"Why the hell does that keep happening?" Adam exclaimed, his temper obviously being pushed past it's limits.

The strange machine gun midget pulled the hood over it's head off. Theo gasped.

"Oh my GOD! It's a COW!" There was, indeed, the head of a cow where the midget's head was supposed to be.

"I really think we should get out of here!" Joe suggested loudly, narrowly dodging a javelin that had been thrown at him by absolutely no-one. It had almost skewered his leg. Mmm, Joe leg kabab.

A pig, for some reason, randomly ran across the player's screen.

"Follow that swine!" Adam yelled. The three of them chased it of a cliff before Mr. Teddy's boo-boo went and had a shit on a doggy's face!

Spyromaster64 was now violently smashing his face in with a baseball bat as our heroes heroically fell into a volcano filled with marshmallows and cream…

"WAAAAAAAARPYYYY!" shrieked Glitchquil's voice as they were teleported away from the incredibly random chaos.

"Agh!" Adam yelped stupidly. "What the hell just happened?" Glitchquil leered down on them.

"I just rescued you from certain extermination. There was an invisible Dalek on the scene." Joe and Theo stared, while Adam childishly floundered around helplessly on the floor for some non-existent reason.

"… and why did we have to fight that… thing…?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Glitchquil screamed, blasting the trio's heads off (literally). "Oh yeah, and I think this belongs to you, Adam." Adam put his head back on just in time to give Glitchquil a chance to put something on his head. "I believe you lost it at the end of the last chapter." Adam's eyes widened in utter horror as he slowly looked up. There, all snug and comfortable, sat King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina, ready to irritate everyone to the fiery depths of hell and, unfortunately, back again just in time for even more.

"But we left Ezlo in the horse crap earlier!" Theo complained. "How could he be back again?" Glitchquil looked surprised.

"Really? I found him in the strip club near the Termina Fanfiction House."

"… wait a minute," Joe said slowly. "What the heck were you doing in a strip club, anyway?"

"Looking at naked women, what else?" Glitchquil answered casually.

"Pervert!" Adam shouted at him. The evil Pokémon shrugged.

"Yeah, I am. So?" he inquired. "Anyway, I'd better be getting back to doing stuff. Ice cream won't make itself!"

"Ice cream…?" Theo managed to squeak just before Glitchquil went _between_, blinking out of existence in their current dimension. "Wha…?"

"Okay then, let's go." Joe chirped, getting up and walking over to the door. Adam cheerfully followed.

"Have either of you two noticed what he said…?" Theo yelped, still in shock.

"Yeah," replied Adam. "He said that he had some stuff to do."

"No… he's making… making… _ice cream_!"

"… so?" Joe muttered.

"That doesn't seem very evil!" Theo yelled. "And he's supposed to be trying to kill us!"

"Calm down," Adam sighed, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's not like he's making candy floss and rabbit farms as well."

"Actually, he is," Joe corrected.

"Really? That's cool."

"But… but…" Theo spluttered helplessly. "_Why_…?"

"Dunno," Adam grunted idiotically.

"But… buh… buh…" Theo was dragged out of the door to the next series of random events that were sure to take place.

But before they could close the door, Glitchquil then appeared again, this time falling from the ceiling.

"Oh, yah! And I have to go with you."

"Where?" Joe asked.

"Somewhere."

"Oh, very informative!" Theo muttered, his voice practically drowned and overflowing with sarcasm. "And what's with the ice cream, candy floss and rabbit farms, gaybo?"

"Ohhhh, that." Glitchquil scratched his chin. "Well, I'm planning to combine ice cream and candy floss and inject that into a rabbit embryo to see what I get. Actually, it's already been done."

"Really? How did it go?" asked Adam.

"Uh, I'd rather not say," Glitchquil answered quietly.

"_It lives… IT LIVES!" the Cyndaquil in the lab coat laughed evilly. He was looking down on a table that had a slice of sponge cake on it. Then he realised he had his attention on completely the wrong table and turned to the other side of the room, where a retarded rabbit with flaming paws, ice ears and frog for a backside was awakening. _

_Glitchquil seized his clipboard. The rabbit creature opened it's eyes. _

"_Duh cheese!" it boomed in a horrifyingly deep voice. _

"Anyway, you dipshits have just messed up the storyline even more."

"What the hell did we do?" Adam whined.

"Nothing."

"Then how did we…?"

"You didn't." Glitchquil suddenly sounded very stern. There was an awkward pause before he added cheerfully, "Now, let's go and consult Spyromaster64! WAA-"

"Hold on a moment," Theo interrupted. "Do we get teleportation-based injury insurance?"

"No." Glitchquil glared at Theo. "Anyway, WAAAAAARPY!"

And zey ver _gone_.

_Between only lasts as long as it takes to cough three times_, Adam thought to himself. He made two fake coughs as they spun through time and space, but on the last count sneezed. "Damn it!" The snot rotated wildly before the haywire gravity sent the globule-like substance shooting into Theo's face.

"Ewwwww, emo bogies!" Theo squealed, wiping the disgusting gunk from his eyes. Adam just sniffed innocently.

Not a sound. Delicate drops of mountain dew silently made their way down the rocks. A lone fly buzzed around, lost and confused. It's tiny wings fluttered, heavy quantities of fatigue showing easily. The fly dived at a rock to land. One tiny leg made contact with the cold stone-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

"Mwahahaha!" Glitchquil doubled over, laughing manically.

"Why are we here at your lab?" Joe yelled. "And what the hell was _that_?"

"Oh, just that really explosive chemical that is so unstable that it will explode when a fly lands on it," Glitchquil sighed, wiping a tear from his eye. His smile grew even larger. "Sorry about the detour, I just _had_ to try that out…" Then they blinked out of existence once again.

SPRINKLE THE FLIPFLOPS WITH CREAM!

By now, Spyromaster64 was almost dead on the floor from beating himself up. Barely conscious, he reached for a pistol and drew it up so it was aligned with his head…

"Hi again!"

"BLOODY-" Spyromaster64 jolted and the pistol was fired. Unfortunately, Joe's balls happened to be in the way. "Oh, it's you guys. Don't do that! You scared me half to buggery!"

"Sorry," Glitchquil apologised. "We-" He stared at the pistol in his creator's hand. "… what the hell are you doing?"

"Shooting myself, what else does it look like?" Spyromaster64 shouted in despair.

"Why?" Theo asked. Spyromaster64's eye twitched uncontrollably.

"Because of _this_," he hissed.

I AM CRAPPING MY PANTS AND I LIKE IT! MOO-COO-KA-KA-NA-PEE PEE! JOLLY OLD BEANS CRAP CHAP YOU FAT BASTARD! COME HERE! UH, UH, UH! UUUUUUHHH!

Adam, Joe and Theo were now almost dead from being so disturbed. Glitchquil was eating a sandwich and really couldn't care less. Spyromaster64 was already on his computer reading various fanfics at the speed of light for some reason.

"So, yeah." The Fanfiction God turned away from the screen. "But I still have to torture you dipsticks… GO AND DO MY SHOPPING FOR ME!" The next thing Adam, Joe and Theo knew where that they were now randomly in a supermarket, and Joe had a list in his left hand. Adam sighed.

"What does it say first?" Joe squinted at the horrifyingly awful handwriting.

"Fire extinguisher," he grunted. "Why the hell does he need that?"

"Where are the fire extinguishers, anyway?" Theo asked. Adam pointed. Theo and Joe turned to face an isle of, indeed, fire extinguishers. However, they all read 'hand grenade'.

Adam grabbed one and took the list.

"Pineapple cough sweets?"

"Bloody hell," Joe murmured. He picked up what looked like cough sweets, but actually said 'painapple' and threw it in the basket.

"Toilet roll?" Theo held up a package of toilet roll that said 'MyFannie'.

"Pudding menu…?" Joe whimpered as he looked at the most recent item had had just listed. 'Chocolate puke' was the second option.

"Shaving foam." At last, a decent item. Well, at least the name was. The description read, 'Works well, a careful bubble shaves it, and the taste is refreshing'.

"Two subway signs." One read 'if you are stolen, call the police at once', and the other read 'beware of missing foot'.

"Orange juice." The large carton had the words 'Coolpis' in a huge font.

"Lastly, dinner menu."

"Why does he need menus?" Theo muttered to himself, picking up a sheet of paper that said 'steamed red crap with ginger beer'.

"Ah! I see you have returned with my shopping." Spyromaster64 took the items from the trio.

"Where… the _hell_… was that supermarket?" Joe growled. Spyromaster64 shrugged innocently.

"Dunno. It probably doesn't even exist, thank god," he answered. "Anyway, thanks for coming."

"Why are we here?"

"Because… well, actually, I have no idea why. I'm just running out of ideas." He shuffled away. "_The Minish Cap_ was never full of brilliant storyline elements…"

"Was there nothing left?" asked Glitchquil. Spyromaster64 held up a stone statue of Zelda glumly.

"That's about it."

"Then why not send us somewhere else?" Adam suggested.

"Hrm…" Spyromaster64 considered this offer for a brief moment. "How about Pokémon?" Joe jumped for joy, Theo nodded and Adam groaned.

"Good trip?" asked the Chronicler as our victi- HEROES, heroes… materialised into his presence. They were now back at the Game Engine.

"Sort of," Adam sighed. "At least Ezlo's been quiet." Joe and Theo stared at his head. They had wide grins of great happiness. Adam felt hopeful as he looked up. The green bird/hat/rapist was no longer there.

"YEEEEEEEEES!" they all cheered before they began doing the conga.

"Yes! Mm-hm!" Everyone… no, every_thing_ froze. Time itself halted. Adam, Joe and Theo, our three brave adventurers, looked towards the head one more time. King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina was now sat there, eating the bed of hair that he laid on.

Adam screamed. Joe wailed. Theo exploded. The Chronicler shat his pants. Considering he doesn't have any pants, that was a little disturbing, so Theo came back together and imploded.

Adam, now in his normal clothes like his two companions, drew his sword from absolutely nowhere and threw Ezlo to the ground. He saw the fear in the hat's eyes as he hacked the bloody thing apart. Tomato juice flew everywhere instead of blood.

"DIE BASTARD, DIE!" he shrieked, not laughing, but clearly enjoying himself greatly.

_Bring bring! _Yet again, another pause. Adam looked around. "Eh?" _Bring bring! _

"Wheeee!" screamed some random white-haired guy, running past.

"RAIDEN IS MY MOMMY!" yelled some random woman in hot pursuit.

"Metal Gear Solid 2," the Chronicler sighed. "Spyromaster64 got it from a video game shop for £2.50, and, well, he kind of got… hooked." A screen randomly appeared out of absolutely nowhere, displaying Spyromaster64 hooked by his black jacket. He was actually being held by Metal Gear RAY, who was shagging a granny at the same time.

"Alright, let's get those baggy tights off," RAY drooled.

"I already 'ave!" the woman grinned in a horribly horny way. RAY stared.

"… you've already taken them off?"

"Yeah…"

"OH MY GOOD MOTHER SOMETHING GOD! IT'S A _BITCHY WITCHY_!" Then, the screen disappeared. Adam stared at where it was a few seconds ago, his sword still half-stuck in Ezlo's head.

"Then there's Metal Gear Solid 3... Halo: Reach… Halo 2... Halo 3 and ODST… Half-Life 2... Portal… Team Fortress 2... Oh yeah, and some crap new kid's film called Rio."

"It's not crap!" Spyromaster64 yelled, appearing from nowhere. He punched the dragon in the face, causing him to fall over Family Guy-style. "Yes, it's for bratty children and it's made by Pixar, but it was bloody good!" He stormed off, mumbling something about the Rio DVD not coming out until November and how he really wanted something.

"What's up with him?" Joe asked. The Chronicler got up.

"Oh, he's been wanting a Peach-Faced Lovebird for a few weeks now. Apparently, he's never wanted something this badly in his entire life for countless reasons, but his parents are so damn adamant that they will not let him have one until he's moved out of the house altogether. And I don't he's too happy about it." Spyromaster64's loud, high-pitched screaming and crying could be heard several platforms away. "He says he's got no-one to talk to anymore and that he's never truly had a pet that he could call his own. Shit, he's such a whiner. Why the hell is he complaining?" Theo, somehow not exploded anymore, yawned.

"Tired," he murmured. "Sleep now." He then promptly fell asleep on the spot, still standing.

"So…" Adam sighed. "Where are we to be sent now?" The Chronicler mumbled as he flipped through a notebook.

"Pokémon?" Adam glared. "… no? Alright then, how about… Portal? Call of Duty?" There was an awkward pause. "… Halo?" No response. "Fine, screw you. Halo it is."

"I have no objections," Adam said through gritted teeth, "but when do we get a bloody rest?"

"You don't," The Chronicler snapped. "But you do get high speed."

"Eh?" Joe murmured. "What do you mean?"

"I mean Xbox LIVE, Youtube and other stuff. Spyromaster64 is getting Broadband. And he's now finally decided he'll get that bloody bird when he's got a job instead, thank god."

"That's right!" Spyromaster64 grinned, now randomly back again. "That means even more fun in Halo." Adam's eyes widened.

"Erm, I suddenly appear to have an objection."

"What's wrong? You too noobish?" Joe laughed, imitating a chicken for some reason.

"Don't make fun of it, being noobish is an art!" Adam yelled defensively. "It's just that… well, I can complete any Halo on the normal difficulty setting. I even completed _Reach_'s mission _The Winter Contingency _on Heroic and then Legendary. It's just…" His voice trailed off. Joe and Theo began to realise the seriousness of the situation.

"Please tell me he hasn't got LIVE yet," Theo pleaded to the Chronicler, pointing at Spyromaster64.

"I'm afraid he has," came the dragon's reply, "and I wouldn't be surprised if he pits you in some kind of online Firefight with super über-ninja grunts being flung at you on Legendary." Adam pulled out his Aperture Science Super-Colliding Super-Phone and hastily jabbed in a number.

"Hello, and welcome to Xbox LIVE hotline!" came an automated woman's voice. She sounded air-headed and disorientated. "If you would to send an inquiry, please press 1." Then, her voice suddenly became seductive. "But if you're aged 18 to 35 and you buy extra-large condoms, press 2..." Adam's eyes widened. He looked up at Theo and mouthed 'what should I do?' panic riddled all over his face.

"What did you want to do?" Theo whispered.

"Ask whether Spyromaster64 had prepared three online psych-profiles for 'Theo', 'Joe' and 'Adam'," Adam answered, also whispering.

"Press 2, just to make sure you didn't type the number in wrong and this is some horny, spammy scam." Adam looked up in wonder as he flashbacked into some kind of animus-style genetic memory.

_Spyromaster64 stared at his computer screen. 'Congratulations! You are today's C1 winner! Claim your prize now! Seconds to claim; 120'. He frowned and typed '.' into his address bar. Another message popped up; _

'_Are you sure you want to navigate away from this page? WAIT WAIT WAIT! Claim your iPad 2 now! It's not too late!' Spyromaster64 clicked 'no, I am stupid enough to ignore this great, TRUE prize'. _

_-Two weeks later-_

"_The head of a spamming group has been jailed today after accusations of telling people they were C1 winners and offering them iPad 2s. Only one person clicked the 'no' option." Spyromaster64 felt content. _

"_Glitchquil!" he hollered. His secretary walked in. _

"_Yes, what the bloody hell do you want?" Glitchquil muttered. _

"_Prepare the celebratory tea." _

"_Whatever," he grumbled, glitching himself and Spyromaster64 a cup of tea each. _

"_Oh, how I hate tea. It's so wonderfully tasteless. It truly is shit," Spyromaster64 sighed happily. He took a long sustained gulp. "Ahh, that truly was putrid." He turned to Glitchquil. "What say you, my friend?" _

"_Meh," Glitchquil replied, slowly pouring the contents of his cup onto the floor. _

Adam shook his head and pressed 2.

"Alright," the voice gasped. The sound of a zip being undone could be heard. "The cellar of McDonalds, Orlando. Meet me there tonight." Heavy breathing and moaning clouded any other sound coming out of the phone. Adam quickly hung up and turned to Spyromaster64, glaring.

"Fine, you win."

**This chapter, like the others, was originally going to be longer. But I figured I tortured you all enough, making you wait and all. Yes, it is true that I want a Peach-Faced Lovebird. I hope vets are allowed to bring their pet birds to work with them… (thoughtful look) And yes, I am getting Broadband, which will be great for Team Fortress 2 and, once I get it back from the friend who is borrowing it, Halo: Reach. He's letting me borrow Portal 2 in return, which I must say is an awesome game if any of you haven't played it yet. :)**

**Fans of _The Cyndaquil Show_, rest assured that Chapter 4 IS being written. I'm sorry it's taking so long, homework recently has been a nightmare… :/**

**- Spyromaster64**


End file.
